It is a common provision. The primary goal of a separation agreement may be to lay out financial and parenting agreements; however, it can also lay out the guidelines of dating, permitting each of you to see other people without fear of putting your financial and parenting agreements at risk.
Establish a timeframe for introducing the kids. Keep in mind that your separation is not just a traumatic event in your life — your children are feeling unsettled, too. Dating at this stage may put you at risk of damaging your relationship with your child. Caution and foresight can go a long way to sidestepping misunderstanding. While not all couples agree on what the timeframe should be for introducing your children to new partners, most agree that there should be some kind of waiting period.
Talk about how these ideas might work for your family: Is it ok to introduce the kids after three months of dating? Six months of dating? Only when it is exclusive dating? Or only after the divorce is final? Will a new partner be gradually introduced? Some parents agree that first they will introduce a new partner as a friend and limit interactions with their kids to group settings.
Talk about sleepovers within the context of your shared values. Obviously, adults decide what is appropriate for them personally, but most parents use a modified yardstick when their children witness their behavior. When, if ever, is it appropriate to have your new partner sleep over when the kids are with you? An agreement about when, if ever, this is appropriate will allow you to manage expectations. If you agree to inform one another about a new partner, you achieve some important goals: You show one another respect, you keep the kids out of the middle, and you prepare yourselves instead of being shocked when your kids ask inevitable questions.
Talking about the rules of dating with your spouse is a good way to build respect, handle expectations and help your family manage a divorce that works. These are sensible guidelines for individuals coming out of marriage and journeying independently. Clearly, the desires of such personal fulfillment grow much faster than the ensuing marital litigation. I advise couples who are separated from each other, living in separate domiciles with no desires or expectations to return to the marriage to become active in support groups and other interest groups.
If possible, those rules should be in writing. Trial separations are meant to be exactly that: They are meant to be a time during which a couple works on figuring out whether to stay together or split for good. Most trial separations run for about six months. Obviously, if you and your spouse decide to separate, someone is going to have to move out. You need to figure out who that will be. But, you also need to decide the rules surrounding your original home. It helps to set out the house rules on the front end. How are you going to do that?
Who is going to pay for what? What if one spouse runs up a huge credit card bill? Dating other people during your trial separation can make your struggling marriage totally flat line. On the other hand, since you and your spouse will be living separately for awhile, one of you may assume that dating others is part of your deal. Obviously, you also need to honor your agreement, too. Dating other people is one thing, but sex takes dating to a whole new level. It also dramatically increases the chances that one of you will form a more serious relationship outside of your marriage.
Once that happens, putting your marriage back on track will be next to impossible. If you think your spouse would never dream of doing that, ask! Look forward for the next six months or whatever time you have agreed on to be separated. Talk about when you will each see the kids on a weekly basis. Talk, too, about how you will handle any holidays or vacations that come up while you are separated. If you want to give your kids a feeling of security and stability during this period, make sure that you also let them know in advance what their schedule is going to be! Making a parenting schedule is only one small part of parenting your kids.
You and your spouse need to agree on what you are going to tell your kids about your separation. You need to talk about how you will make decisions about your kids, and how you will handle the issues that always come up with kids. For example, who gets to decide what activities the kids participate in? What happens when the kids try to play you off your spouse or vice versa?
The more you can figure out in advance, the smoother this time will be for your kids. This may seem like a silly thing to waste your brain power on. Whatever you and your spouse decide is up to you. But, if you want to dramatically increase the chances that your trial separation will end in reconciliation, you will. You may think talking to a divorce professional at this point is wise.
There is no right and wrong decision. Again, you just need to make one. Unless you live thousands of miles from all of your friends and family, someone is going to notice that you and your spouse are no longer living together. And, not just with your friend! It will make answering questions later a whole lot easier. You can have all the rules you want, but what are you going to do if you or your spouse breaks one?
Does it matter which rule someone broke? Will you agree to talk about what happened before anyone does anything rash? Or, will breaking a rule be the last straw that ends your marriage? Again, there are no right or wrong answers. If you really want to see if you can save your marriage, then being honest is non-negotiable. Being honest takes work.
It may even take professional help. Hence, another reason to get a therapist! But it is an absolute must if you want your trial separation to be anything other than a ginormous, painful waste of time. You have to be honest with yourself, too. You may have been telling yourself for years that everything was going to work out fine. But, deep down, you know you just want out.
Whatever the truth is, now is the time to face it. Should I stay or Should I Go: Karen Covy is a divorce advisor, attorney, author and a divorce coach. She is committed to helping those who are facing divorce get through the process with the least amount of conflict, cost and collateral damage possible. Hi there my name is sherry. Am thinking about a legal seperation. My husband is in prison to me i already consider our marriage a trial separation.
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What do you think. Whether you turn this into a legal separation or a divorce depends on you. Otherwise, you may end up having to go through the legal process twice for no reason. Hi Sherry, My wife initiated our separation and moved out. At first I wanted to try to work it out together. Now the roles are reversed. If I had to make a decision today, I would say no. Discernment counseling is limited scope counseling.
It only lasts for 4 — 6 sessions. It is specifically designed to help couples decide whether to stay married or get divorced. I highly recommend that you and your wife try it. But you may want to point out to her that, if she does think moving out was a mistake and she wants to make your marriage work, this kind of counseling can help a lot. Also, there is no shame in needing a little professional help to get your marriage back on track.
After all, if it was so easy to do by yourselves, chances are you would have already done it. How in heavens name are you supposed to work on your marriage when you are at odds about everything? Right now a little professional help could be the difference between saving your marriage, or ending it badly.
I am from Ohio and me and my husband are not legally separated. I am willing to go to counseling and make things work,but he is unsure rather he wants to make things work or even unsure about our marriage. He believes he is single and is able to do what he wants. I am not sure what to do or how to act towards him. Maybe the question you should be asking is not how you should act towards your husband, but how do you feel about him?
As for the question about what you do now, it seems to me that your options are to either continue to live as you are, or to move forward to change your life. I know this may not be what you want to hear, but your husband is already acting like your marriage is over. I wish I had something more positive to say.
But, seeing the truth is usually better than denying it and living a lie. Hello, my husband is bipolar and has had an on-and-off cocaine addiction for about 20 years long before I met him. We also have a toddler together. He is very successful, owning 2 companies, but his work life is extremely stressful. We have been in therapy together, per his suggestion, since January.
However, he had told some of business partners that we were separated, which was news to me. This was about 6 weeks ago. I have been going to therapy twice a week to work on myself and try to make sense of the situation our therapist specializes in couples dealing with bipolar disorder. I love him dearly and he is a good person deep down, but he has some serious issues. Thanks for your time. What I can tell you from a more practical perspective is that going to therapy yourself is the best thing you can do.
You are also going to need to have a whole lot of patience as this plays out. You can, however, control yourself. I understand your financial concerns. Maybe you need to find a job. Maybe you need to pick up a few classes to re-tool your skills so you can get a job. You also need to start thinking about what you want for yourself and for your son.
If you want to stay married, it will be a lot of work. It will take time, energy and money. If you want to get divorced, it will also be a lot of work. It will take time energy and probably even more money. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers. All you can do is your best. Hello… My situation is a doosy. I have admitted that I am in a mess. Hopefully you can answer as you can with your expert advice. Let me start by saying I love my husband and do not hate him. I also want to admit we are separated because of myself right now but it is due to his actions along with mine.
Last year we moved away from home and closer to some of his family members. His mother does live with us and has since the beginning of our marriage pretty much. Anyhow, we moved away from Indiana to Kentucky to be closer to his sister. I thought this would be a positive thing and kind of talked mt husband into it. He had his doubts but I figured we had each other and the kids we would make it.
Well granted he works 2 hours away from home and to begin with I worked an hour and a half. He comes home every night. Well last year in every sense of the words he had an emotional affair, lied to me, and hid a lot from me. It was all an emotional and mental drain for me. Well I gave him an ultimatum in December because I was sick of it. I felt awful for it even though to me it was a lack of respect and disregard for my feelings. Well to me I honestly think he checked out on our marriage. Well in February I was just sick of their relationship still being the same and I erupted one day and finally got the nerve to approach this woman.
I get a phone call from her boyfriend about how my husband got this woman a sentimental gift because her dad was dying and it was a gift that he linked with his own childhood. Now as this panned out a week after this and me screaming at him that I wanted a divorce when I heard about the gift I was a mess.
I flipped out and he showed me that he does not talk to her but honestly I was an emotional mess. Now come April I finally asked for a separation because I had sought advice from multiple people whom granted may have had ulterior motives but at the time I think they were just being friends at the time. I reached out to an ex to ask about this because he had just went through a divorce.
I was genuinely asking for advice and mind you as this conversation went on it may have been mentioned about other things but this was after I asked for a separation and I liked the attention. I was open and honest with my spouse and I told him about me reconnecting with another ex and told him that I may go out and spend time with these people when I went off to my class reunion.
And this was also where my family was so i wanted to see my family and go to my reunion because I missed home. Well one of the guys quit talking to me and I blew it off and continued to talk to one of the other guys as emotional support. I became emotionally connected to the feeling of just having a random conversation, trying to help him through his struggles, and make him feel better in turn he did the same. But it ended up that I grabbed a bite to eat with him and we watched a movie on his couch and it felt surreal and it felt comfortable.
Well for emotional support I reached out to guy B because I just was upset and wanted to just be told that I would be okay I think. Then I parted ways with him and talked to him the next day and we had a good time and it was uncomplicated. Mind you then I went to my class reunion and saw guy A after all this time and I did drink quite a bit and then we ended up talking and I tried to just tease him to joke around then I was going to leave. Well my plan soured when I ended up drinking too much and we ended up in a hotel room.
Long story short everyone can assume what happened. At times during this I remember him being intimate emotionally at times and it was all odd because I figured it would just be you know and mind you I did not plan to do this. It just happened and the perfect storm happened and it happened. Well he showed up in town and kind of scared the living crap out of me because he was mad now I understand why he was upset and I get it.
I am trying to just figure out what i want and this remains difficult because my mind is a mess. I am hung up on guy B more than guy A. I have been honest with my spouse about my feelings for guy B and he was not happy about it but says he can deal with it but I am not allowed to have contact. Feels like that is perfectly acceptable but I came home to him getting hateful, aggressive, his mother threatened me, and I am a big ball of emotions. His mother has trash talked me to his whole family, he has trash talked me to some of our mutual friends.
I see it as a show and he knows in a way I have just checked out of life in general I have been completely honest about this. I am jaded, hurt and I recently have been diagnosed with bipolar. I have not had time to process my feelings and he is trying to me manipulate me to go back to where he can be in control of everything and I refuse to have that happen. I used to be a positive happy person and now I am just a negative emotionally jaded low self-esteem woman who is trying to figure my life out.
I just feel so lost. I fear that I want to be alone. I strongly suggest that you get a good therapist AND a good marriage counselor. You have a lot of healing to do yourself. You and your husband also have a lot of things to work on in your marriage. Your husband would do well to get his own therapist, too.
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Also, know that, whether your marriage works out or not, the work you do in therapy will not be for nothing. Whatever you learn will stay with you always. When you grow, you will take that growth with you into your next relationship. So taking the time to do that hard work on yourself now always pays off later. Happily married about Once she went thru menopause her personality has completely changed. She is super aggressive, abrasive, belittling in her tone and how she treats me. She has absolutely no boundaries when she needs to be tactful.
We went to counceling and eventually our therapist informed us that she no longer needs to see me, only my wife. Well that was it as far as my wife was concerned. She completely flew off the handle. So eventually I asked for a trial separation. There is plenty of funds to take care of individual expenses. She is completely against it. I packed a bag and I left. What are my options? You could also get divorced. In between those options, you could stay married and live separately from your wife for awhile in a controlled separation.
Or you could stay married and just live separately forever. Some people do that. If you and your wife want to work on your marriage you could try a different counselor, or try just working on your marriage yourself. If your marriage changes and gets better, you might not want to leave. All of these are options. That puts you in a decent position. Of course, the hardest part is deciding what you want, and then committing to move forward. I recently deployed about 3 months ago. Before I left everything was fine I thought. We have been married just over 10 years.
We have went to counseling and benefited from there to work out our relationship. I will give her all the space she needs during this time. The one thing that is heartbreaking is she said if I meet a nice guy and go on a date with him she will know what she needs to do. If she thinks about me the whole time, she knows what to do. She says she loves me, misses me, and still sends me care packages.
She has a lot of things on her plate, completing her masters, our child, work, and me being gone. I was definitely wrong. After some self reflection, I have not been treating my wife as she should be treated emotionally. I still send her flowers and congratulate her on things she accomplishs and I tell her I love her not in a pushy way.
What recommendation would you have in this situation? When you change, you bring a different and hopefully better version of yourself to your marriage. That changes your relationship. So, for now, I would start there. You also want to keep in contact with your wife as much as you possibly can. Ask about her life. Be interested in her! Show her you care. But you do want to be around enough for her to know that you care about her and about your marriage and you want to make it work. Eventually, she will start to open up.
Hello, great article and advice, thanks. Over the past 5 years the Mrs and I have drifted apart. She no longer likes the same things I do. We have two young wonderful kids. She is a stickler for rules and that ends up causing issues between all of us. But advice I directly give her is not taken well and if I try indirectly she calls me passive aggressive. She curses a lot even in front of the kids. She instigates arguments with strangers flipping people off in traffic, trolling people on Facebook, etc. Treat others as you would want to be treated. She drinks a little more than I am comfortable with.
She threatens to leave us and she tells this right to the kids faces when they are not behaving for her. But she is stay at home and I work to support the family. I like to take the kids on adventures. She used to go on them with us but never wants to anymore. I initiate any hand holding or kisses or touching.
All these behaviors I find unattractive even though she is still a physically attractive person to me. I just want her to smile and be happy but I have no idea if she is capable of that anymore. I grew up in a loving household white picket fence style. She grew up in a broken home with a lot of physical and verbal abuse. Several of her siblings and relatives are in and out of jail.
Just wanted to type it up and see what a knowledgeable stranger would suggest. Thanks for sharing your story. But, what do you think that a trial separation will do? What are you hoping to accomplish? ALthough some people would definitely disagree with me on that! Then, when they ultimately do divorce, it looks like they were planning it all along. So, whatever you do, take some time and think about what you want and why you want it. Then be as honest as you can with yourself and your spouse. PS One more thing. Once you and your spouse are living apart, getting divorced becomes easier to consider.
Our marriage was the same. If I stick out the separation long enough he will just want a divorce I think. Is that a usual ending??? Sticking things out long enough for your spouse to want a divorce is NOT a good strategy for you OR your children.
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It sounds like your Husband is waiting for you to communicate with him and you are waiting for him to communicate with you. What if, instead of waiting, you took the bull by the horns, decided what YOU want, and then went for that? Doing that is a much scarier, riskier course of action.
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It could very well lead to a divorce … or not. Two years ago I caught him cheating with his boss. He broke it off immediately and sought help. I forgave him and we moved on. But at some point I need to stand up for myself too and not be so co-dependent. My guess it is to have a healthy baby. So, for now, focus on that. Focus on bringing your child into the world in the best way possible. You will have a newborn to attend to, plus taking care of your 4 year old. You will also be sleep deprived. None of that makes for the clearest head. Does that mean you just hang out and stay in a marriage with a serial cheater forever?
But it does mean that you have to be smart about yourself and your future. Remember, you will have two small children to take care of no matter what happens. Taking the time to plan for a smooth transition for them will be wise for them, and better for you, too. Of course, if you still want to try to save your marriage, now would be a great time to do that, too.
You can get yourselves in therapy. You can stop making excuses for him and ask him to work on your marriage and see what happens. But the question for you now is whether you want to live with those issues for the rest of your life. And, his question is whether he is ready to start dealing with those issues in a more productive way. Will any of this work? Will your husband even want to try to save your marriage.
What I do know is that with so much on your plate right now, you might have to do everything a little more slowly than you would like. Instead of beating yourself up about that, if you can accept that you are only human, and can only do so many things at one time, you will make this difficult time just a little bit easier. Thank you for the article.
It has a great deal of information and provides a lot to consider. We have two children, 14 and Leading up to that point, we had a number of squabbles.
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We were having difficulty parenting our now 14 year old son. He is a challenging young man to parent, and my reaction to his behavior was not always positive and was not acceptable to my wife. The stress of this situation was erosive, in hindsight, to our relationship. My wife is 47 and is experiencing biological changes. I feel this, along with what I shared above, is having a double affect on our happiness. We have discussed seprating, but alwys come back trying to work it out while living together.
It;s been two years now that we have worked on mending our relationship. During this time, we sought professional help to determine if our son may have some sort of disorder — I was the driver towards to assessment of him. Turns out he scored low on the spectrum for ADHD. This alone helped my wife and I gain some clarity about how to better parent our son and thus potentially resolve some of our conflicts.
We are about a year into this knowledge and things have gradually gotten better between us. However, and this is my dilemma, our level of affection has dropped off significantly. We no longer hug, unless I initiate it. She rarely says she loves me, something I make a point to do, although lately I have been less inclined to do so. It ebbs and flows but mostly ebbs. My gut is telling me to makes this porposal to her, but, of course, it is scary at the same time. Anyway, any kind of insight, or advice is appreciated. Of course separating is scary!
It will totally change your life. And, there are no guarantees that you will ever get back together, or that your trial separation will not turn into a permanent separation. I can hear howmuch you care about your wife. Have you tried helping her around the house? Have you tried lightening her work load in any way you can? Your wife is tired! In your head, think back to what drew you to your wife years ago. Think about what you did to win her heart. You probably took her out on dates. You told her she was beautiful and meant it! You treated her like a queen.
Do it for months. All women do this, whether we mean to or not. If you listen to her and stop trying to woo her, you will lose her. If you stay the course and spend a good 3 — 4 months just being funny and charming and helpful and all the things you used to be when you met her, you may be amazed at the changes you see in her behavior. If you do that she will not think you really care about her. I know all of this may sound a bit unusual. So maybe doing this will be worth a try! PS Obviously, this may not work. There are no guarantees in life. I have a chronic illness. My husband is an airline pilot.
We have two grown children that are married and one 14 yr old daughter that we adopted at birth. I have been sick my entire life with a rare genetic illness that is progressive. A year ago I found out that my husband was having a three year affair. It was during the three sickest years of my life. I was unable to parent or be a wife like I should have. I forgave my husband for the affair simply because I felt like it was my fault. I know my poor health has affected everyone in my family and in a negative way.
My youngest openly defies me and my husband does nothing. He constantly undermines me as her mother and she takes full advantage of that. She wishes she could only live with her dad. At this moment I am seriously considering a divorce but there are so many problems to achieve that. Because my husband is a pilot, he is gone four days a week so our daughter would have no choice but to live with me during those days. So I can only imagine how she would be with me. Indiana is a no fault divorce state so no alimony. I will be honest and say that if I could survive without being married then I would.
So stop trying to make him change. The only one you can control is yourself. So start doing that. Put energy and effort into getting as healthy as you possibly can. Parent your daughter the way you think is best. You will never be able to change that. But you can set an example for your other kids and do the best that you can do.
I also suggest that you start working on yourself. You may not be able to change your circumstances right now, but you can change your attitude about them. A good therapist could also help you work through all of your emotions and perhaps start going in a better direction. You might also want to check out some personal development material. Tony Robbins has done phenomenal work. He has books, tapes, YouTube videos and other resources that can help you change yourself.
When you do that, you will change your world. I know that right now change probably seems impossible to you. I also know that making any kind of change takes time and effort and attention. But when you stop trying to change those around you, and instead focus on changing yourself, you may be able to make progress you only dreamed of before. Hi Karen, Thank you for a great article. My husband and I have been married for just over a year. This year has been stressful because I was in my first year of medical residency working 80 hours a week, stressed, tired.
Six months ago we had a tremendous argument about when to start having kids. It was bad timing for me, obviously, but I tried to entertain the idea because he was relentless about it. Thankfully the fights have not been as intense I stayed in a hotel after the first one , but it has been relentless- once a week. Aside from occasionally agreeing his actions could have been better, he does not formulate a concrete plan for change. I have been direct about my needs but they are unmet.
Thanks for your thoughts. You want to consider a trial of 6 months of counseling while you stay at home. Not that going to counseling is a bad idea. I highly recommend it! I just want to reflect back to you what you wrote. I also want to ask you one question: What are you going to do if you DO get pregnant now? Can you imagine bringing a child into this relationship?
Parents are parents forever. Dear Karen, My husband moved out about 87 months ago and said we are separated. Back story is that my step daughter had mental health issues and was in and out of hospitals. We have two small children together as well as my step son. While this was going on with my step daughter I tried to keep the fort down at home. I took care of our two littles and step son and tried to keep them happy. When my husband would come home from work or hospital from seeing his daughter, he had nothing left to give to the boys.
This would cause them to act out. Now we no longer go to counseling and he has been out of house since March. Tonight I mentioned how I thought things were going foo with us all hanging out and maybe that was leading somewhere. He said he never thought of us all hanging out as a family as time for him and I rebuilding and it was just about the kids.
We have taken mini trips to water parks, going out to the beach for the day, gone out for day in boat, taken kids to play places ect.
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I still love him but I feel like my heart keeps getting broken again and again. I feel like I am getting blamed for a lot more of his feelings during our daughters hard time then I am responsible for. I read what you wrote and can hear how torn you are. To have a healthy, balanced marriage, you both need to share power and share responsibility. Yes, that can be scary! To help you figure that out, it would be helpful to work with a good therapist. Also, you said you WERE in marriage counseling.
If you want to work things out in your marriage, going to marriage counseling now would also be helpful. It sounds like there are a lot of events in your past which caused pain to both you and your husband. Those are things that you are going to have to work through. A good counselor can help you do that. One of the hardest things about being separated is not knowing what the future holds for you. I totally get it. But the only person you can control is yourself. So rather than focusing on what you may be losing, and letting your fears control your behavior, you can focus on what you want, and start working towards getting it.
Will it save your marriage? Either outcome is possible. As with so many other things in life, the honest answer to that question is: The only person who can change that is you. So, the real question is: My husband and I have been married for 3 years and together for 8 years since highschool. We have 2 little ones and recently became separated about 7 months ago. We separated because he would become aggressive toward me while drinking. Never hit me but would shove me and get in my face and raise his voice and punch walls. All this while our 2 year old was in room listening.
I always put up with it thinking he would change and it came to a point where I got fed up when the last incident happened that I had to bite him to get him away from me and from being so scared I screamed for help. This was while we were living in our own apartment. From then on we have slowly started talking again and things seem good between us. Though we are still separated. I have managed to gain some trust for him to start taking the kids out and bringing them home at a certain hour. And while being separated I did start seeing life as a single mom, getting a good pay job to move out of my parents and live alone with my kids.
For the longest I felt like I was going crazy with these decisions going in circles in my head. What has changed since you left? If nothing has changed, then shortly after you go back if you go back you will probably end up right back where you started. Is your husband in AA?
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How long has he been sober? Has he done any work on his anger? Is he seeing a counselor? How many times has this pattern repeated itself? Those are the kinds of questions you want answered before you can decide whether to go back. At the same time, you need to look inside yourself too. No matter which way you go, it will be hard. But give this more time. Give yourself more time. Start working through your emotions with a counselor. And try not to obsess about your marriage. That will only make you spin more. Instead, try thinking about what you want your life to look like in the future.
Focus on your kids and your job. See how your husband does, and whether he can stay sober. That will tell you a lot. Karen, i came across your post by accident. I love that you let ppl express their issues openness and with not so much limitation. In my opinion, discernment counseling works really well. Remember, the goal of discernment counseling is to help a couple make a decision.
It is not designed to steer them towards marriage or towards divorce. From what I understand, it has a fairly high success rate. And, by success I mean helping couples come to some kind of a decision about their marriage. Hello Karen, I am not usually one to post but I was moved by some of your previous responses. I have been married almost 5 years together for 8.
When we first met he struggled with binge drinking and anger management, however, prior to getting married he quit drinking completely with my assistance. This lessened his anger issues but did not alleviate them entirely. One day during an argument he became physically violent and pushed me to the ground — an action he said he immediately regretted. We spent weeks sleeping in different beds, and had multiple conversations over a period of several months.
I went to counseling, but made the mistake of not demanding that he go because at the time he was studying to become a doctor and had little told to devote to anything else except for us. That was 3 years ago. Since then, he was also diagnosed with IGA neuropathy and received a kidney transplant. He was forced to end all communication with his family due to their poor decisions while he was ill — these events caused him serious depression for the past year.
Since May of this year, we had been in a great place, he had attended an anger management class and was seeing a counselor from the VA. A month ago, during another argument, he had a dissasociative episode where he blacked out and head butted me causing my nose to break. We are each in individual counseling along with couples counseling. The issue is — I am not sure I want to be in this marriage anymore. I posed the question of separation to him and he said he understands and would agree but I would also like to try dating without sex which he said he would not be okay with.
My biggest fear is that I stay in this marriage out of the fears associated with divorce. Unfortunately, neither of us have family and rely heavily on each other so just separating would feel like being isolated as we recently moved to a new state and I work from home making it challenging to make new friends. My biggest quarel is that I know my husband is truly a kind man. Those who know him know he would give you the shirt off his back. He is normally the calm one in our marriage and has helped me through some very difficult times, but he has gone through a lot in his life and has not dealt with a many of those emotions which has led him to this point.
Ultimately, I just want to be sure that if I choose to stay 1. Both my son and I are safe long-term, 2. I feel like trying a separation where I can meet new people is the only way to really know if that is what I want. I would truly appreciate your opinion on the matter given my brief explanation. First and foremost you have to do whatever it takes to keep you and your son safe.
That means getting honest and getting real. You say you want to try dating other people — without sex. But you still want to be married while you do it. You either want to be married and you commit to the marriage. Or you want to be divorced and you commit to doing that. But separating from your husband so you can see other people and see if you can make it on your onw and maybe find a new relationship is a cop out. You want the security of your husband being there while you see if you can find someone else. So, instead of trying to see whether making new friends will help your situation, look inside yourself and see whether you can help your situation.
If you want to stay married, do it because you truly love your husband and want to make your marriage work. At the same time getting divorced just because your husband has problems and you think the grass may be greener on the other side will also likely leave you unfulfilled and full of regrets.
Your best option right now is to keep working with your counselor and keep working on yourself. Decide what you really want. I promise you that, as you do, you will get clear on whether it would be best for you to stay married or get a divorce. Hi, I have been with my husband since we were teenagers.
We had a baby when I was 15 and he was It has been 30 years. In order to work on us the texting stopped but as of last night the love has not come back. He said he is trying but we both decided that a separation might help with him and how he feels about being apart. I am devastated but do think it is the right decision. In the beginning all I did was want it to work and as of the past 6 months with no I love you my heart is beginning to harden yet all I can do is cry and I want to be with him. This is the first time in 30 years we have separated and I am just confused as to what I want.
I wanted to tell him not to go but then we are just in the same old rut. If your husband is going to leave, I strongly suggest you work with a coach or counselor on setting the terms of your separation. Another thing you might want to look into is discernment counseling. That is a special form of counseling you can use to help the two of you figure out whether you want to stay married, or get a divorce.
This kind of counseling is specifically designed to help couples where one like you mostly wants to stay married while the other one like your husband is seriously considering divorce. You can check out an article about it here. I also suggest that you look into getting a therapist for yourself. Hello Karen, My husband and I just made the decision to separate.
He wants me to go the the gym more often and says I dont take my appearance and how I look for him, as far as losing weight, seriously. He recently has lost about 50 lbs and 90 total. His 2eight has always been a big deal to him. Because we have 2 young children, a home and full time jobs, going to the gym is overwhelming and a waste of time to me. I have recently lost weight, but more so by making changes to diet. My issues is that, I feel like he is mean.
He says things he cant take back that are really hurtful. We both work from home and so he moved everything out oou bedroom, bathroom and closet upstairs. We ha e been married for 10 yrs and together since I was a teenager. He is not very open to counseling. He may not be open to counseling, but it sounds like the two of you definitely have issues you need to work on.
If you can get through to him that your marriage is in serious trouble and that you need to do something about it, maybe he will come around. You said that his weight has always been a big deal to him. It sounds like you are sensitive about your weight too. Most women are sensitive about their weight. What your husband needs to understand is that when he gets on you about your weight, it makes you feel hurt and unloved. By the same token, it sounds like he wants you to know that your weight is apparently an issue for him right now.
While losing weight FOR someone else rarely works, you still need to understand his point of view, too. It sounds like, even though the two of you are having problems, there is still a lot of hope for your relationship. But if you want to make things better, you need to work on them.