Your ex more than likely knows how best to get you off, and you don't have to deal with that first-time awkwardness that's inevitable when you hook up with someone new. New York-based sex therapist Sari Cooper, founder and director of the Center for Love and Sex , agrees that timing has a lot to do with it. Chat about your expectations. At the same time, you also need to have an honest conversation with yourself about your MO.
Let the past go. Certain subjects can touch a nerve, and the awkwardness and pain that might follow aren't worth the momentary bliss of an orgasm. Forget about post-sex snuggling. Cuddling can send the wrong message, says Needle, or cause one or both of you to feel an emotional attachment again. Spooning, hand-holding, and even meaningful eye gazing after sex with your ex could lead to confusion or hurt. Fall asleep once the action is over, or take off and sleep in your own bed.
Refrain from drunk dialing. Doing couply things with your ex like you used to—staying home watching Netflix, or agreeing to attend a work or family function together—will make it hard to not second guess your feelings. Obviously, I am going to be going into each of these different ways in much greater detail but before I get into that I do want to make you aware of something first. I am sure if you looked hard enough you would be able to find information on the many different emotional and physical ways in which an ex boyfriend can use you I know because I looked.
Well, that problem ends now because on top of providing you information about the emotional and physical ways in which you can be used I will also be dedicating just as much time and effort into showing you what to do if you are indeed being used. The truth is on the inside I am a little insecure. I have thought a lot about what caused that insecurity and I know exactly what it was.
While that was a long time ago and I am happy to say that is ancient history even to this day some of those insecurities are still left over. Almost all men I have met have weird insecurities like this even your ex boyfriend. For example, have you ever met a guy who is extremely cocky?
Almost like he is trying to prove he is extremely confident. Well, I would be willing to wager that the main reason he is so cocky is that he is trying to cover up some insecurity. Imagine a little 18 year old version of me Chris Seiter. Seriously, that was me in high school. Now lets introduce an attractive girl into the mix. Lets say that this girl showers me with compliments and tells me things like,. Basically, this girl is laying it on pretty thick.
Well, all of those compliments feel amazing because in my own head I think the opposite of what she is saying about myself. Pretty soon those horrible thoughts I was having get replaced with thoughts like,. Maybe I am good looking and I do have a lot to offer. The point is that the compliments and the way the girl made me feel about myself is addicting. It is almost like a blindfold has been taken off of you and you are being introduced to an entirely different world. The more girls that shower you with compliments the better the feeling.
As a man I can tell you there is no greater feeling than having a drop dead gorgeous woman wanting you. Seriously, when things are going right for me in my own personal relationships I walk out the door every day thinking,. What if I told you that some men out there like the fact that they have their ex to rely on. These men have no intention of committing to you they just want to use you for the emotional support you provide.
In other words, they want to use you because they know you can make them feel better about themselves. Oh, and the most rotten part of the deal is that they have no intention of making you feel good emotionally. It is completely one sided and selfish. Because, I have done this before and this is me owning up to my mistake by making you ladies aware that there are men out there like this. Free On Demand Coaching Yes, please. You date a guy and then the guy breaks up with you. Maybe down the road you two talk and get on good terms again.
Talking to you makes the guy feel really good but he never has any intention of becoming involved with you. Of course, you do want to become involved with him. Sensing this he makes a conscious decision to do something. It opens the door for him to keep feeling good about himself without you getting anything in return. Essentially, that phrase is a springboard for a guy to USE you. It puts you on the hook and once you are on that hook he can play with you as much as he wants without any repercussions until you get off the hook and rain down hell.
If you are being used either emotionally or physically then that means that the guy that is using you does not view you as his equal. I am proud to say that I have never used anyone physically I am not that cruel but I have used someone emotionally before. I tell this story a little more in-depth in my book but I suppose I can splurge some of the details for you here. Let me tell you, even though I am an extremely nice person, deep down I felt I was a little above them. You see, in order for me to use them they would have to have feelings for me and I would have to manipulate them to say good things about me by saying things that I think they might want to hear.
Anyways, if I were able to successfully manipulate them that would give me the power of control and I guarantee you that in the back of my mind I would be thinking something like,. I want you to convince him that YOU are above him. Lets turn the tables on him and make him think that you are the alpha in the relationship. I know that so far this guide has been a little gloomy since it is talking about women being used by men but I am about to change that.
Now I would like to offer a solution for how to deal with a guy who is using you emotionally. First things first though, since you are being used by your ex I am going to give you some required reading materials. If your ex boyfriend is using you then we need to put a stop to that immediately. The way you do that is by cutting him out for a little while. Well, if an ex is using you emotionally then he has probably gotten into the habit of talking to you pretty routinely. I want you to disrupt this routine and I want you to slowly wean him off of you. I want you to show him that life without you is miserable.
When you have him to the point where he is craving you after 7 days of no contact that is when it is ok to finally talk to him again. If you want the full rules I recommend getting my Texting Bible. The way you talk to your ex boyfriend after the week long no contact rule is going to have to change. One thing that we have already established is the fact that your ex boyfriend is using you emotionally to feel better about himself. He does this by manipulating you into making him feel wanted through things like compliments, feelings, etc.
I know this because this is what I teach women to use on men to get them reminiscing of the good times. Well, if an ex boyfriend is using you emotionally then it is a safe bet that he is using something like the text message above to elicit a response from you that gives him an ego boost. Hey, sometimes in order to get the guy you have to be willing to lose the guy. Well, if he gives you a really nice compliment then it is ok for you to return the favor because he will have earned that compliment.
A professional tennis player can serve a tennis ball as high as MPH. Obviously, when the tennis player is getting ready to serve the ball there is someone across the net getting ready to return that serve. So, lets say that a tennis player tosses the ball up and serves it at MPH. It may come back across the net at something like 90 MPH.
This Is the Only Time It's Okay to Hook Up With an Ex
This same analogy needs to be applied to compliments. Lets say that you make your ex boyfriend earn your compliment by him giving you a compliment first. Well, if you decide you would like to return the favor by giving him a compliment your compliment cannot match the intensity of his. Many of you commonly know it as friends with benefits. In other words, where two consenting people decide not to officially date but still have the physical benefits like sex, kissing, etc.
Before I dive in to what I am going to say I just want to give you a quick warning. I am going to be touching on a very complex subject here. I am going to be blunt, truthful and I guarantee that if you are being used physically what I have to say here is going to hurt you may even cry.
I am serious, I am not one of those experts that is going to tell people what they want to hear. You came here for the truth so here it is. Whoever thought up the idea of friends with benefits should be slapped. No matter what someone is going to get hurt, guaranteed. I realize that, that is a pretty bold statement for me to make but let me put it this way. Every single woman on this site who thought it might be a good idea to become friends with benefits with their exes has been hurt.
Oh, and that is not an exaggeration. Think about that for a moment. I remember years ago I used to wonder,. Well, I have talked to hundreds of women who have been in a FWB type of situation and I finally have my answer. Women think that sex with their exes is going to somehow create some spark and all of a sudden he may commit to them. Maybe they heard some story about how it worked for one person which I guess is not impossible. The truth is that sex is a riskier proposition for women. Every time you become intimate with someone you run the risk of becoming pregnant.
Trust me there is a difference between feeling it can happen and understanding it can happen. So, your olive branch of becoming friends with benefits with a guy means more to you than it does to us. In the mind of a man here is all that goes on,. There is one big difference though, men who use women physically will think that the woman is a slut.
The Only Time It’s Okay to Hook Up With an Ex - Health
You want to know something about men? We can think a woman is a slut and never tell her. Take me for example. If I think to myself,.
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Do you think I would ever tell that particular girl that? However, it would be in the back of my mind at all times. Besides, what guy wants to screw up the prospect of free sex by telling you that you are a slut? Sure, they may say nice things to you but in this case you have to always question their motives. I am pretty open minded when I do research for this website. I like to take in all kinds of perspectives and then apply it to my own philosophy. I read multiple articles from multiple different sources and eventually came up with three recurring rules that all the articles had in common.
This one seems to be really important.
341 thoughts on “How To Know If Your Ex Boyfriend Is Using You”
Besides, when it comes to something as intimate as sex it is really hard to not fall for the other person that you experience it with. With everything I know about relationships one thing I see time and time again is that when sex is involved someone is going to get attached and therein lies our problem. If you have entered into a friends with benefits type of situation that already tells me that you are not very mature. When it comes to something where you practically give your mind, body and soul over to another human being that is a pretty darn emotional experience.
Now, the FWB experts out there say no to cuddling. In other words, you do the deed and then someone just immediately leaves afterwards. Here is the problem with that. Sex is this emotional experience, its powerful and it means something, blah blah blah blah blah you get what I am going for. Of course, you are going to want to cuddle afterwards. The question you are probably wondering is how you can make him commit to you if you are in this tricky situation.
However, what you can do is change the rules of the game on him and see how much you really mean to him. Does the man of your dreams only care about sex? Does he only care about using you physically? Something tells me that the man of your dreams can meet your physical AND emotional needs. I know men especially the ones who use women and most men will get very upset that you take sex off the table. They will play the victim card. Some men will issue threats about how they will go out and find ten other women to sleep with. Others may refuse to talk to you for a while. Right now you know what you need to do, take sex off the table.
However, it is very important how you deliver this message to your ex boyfriend. The commitment point is important. Make it clear that this was the prime reasoning for ending the friends with benefits relationship. Nothing else about your relationship has to change. Just the sex part. We were having strong sexual chemistry for each other.
He told me his miss me and even told me to come to his place and stay as long as I want. He told me I am the best girl that he ever dated. But he still cannot commit to me because of his family and his religion. I think I am falling into his trap. Maybe he is using me for sex. I know I should be more rational but he seems still care about me, that makes me hesitate in blocking him from my phone and move on.
He says bc of my dependence and neediness he lost himself in our relationship but says he still loves me. I kept calling and texting him to give me a chance.
Why does my ex boyfriend want to hook up
And he would just say no. I was pretty desperate. And then we both agreed friendship would be good. So I blocked him and told him to never contact me again. What can I do? Can this relationship still be saved??? Thank you so much for this article. This is really helpful. I also need you expertise.
My ex and I went through a ridiculously messy break up in But we met each other few times in the last 3 yrs. We had sex occassionally. He knows I still want him back and we met again over the weekend. He told me he misses me and wanted to have sex. I told him about my needs. I also told him we need to learn how to communicate and take our time to know each other again. We barely talk anyway.
I texted him when I got home and never heard back from him. What should be my next step? Yep, guys can be confusing. I think he is trying to get connected with his feelings. Just go it slow. Time will tell what his intentions are. If you push some guys too hard, they get skittish. Make yourself a bit less available. He needs to learn to value you more and appreciate you more. How do I make myself less available? There are other ways you can rebuild attraction.
Too little time and space to cover it all here, but check out my other posts and my ebooks as I cover off lots of things to deal with many types of scenarios. My ex broke up with me in a very public fashion and refused to even text me back for nearly 2 months. I miss my ex. The problem is that every single time we hang out we end up having sex. What hurts me the most is that I finally realized that he tells me things I want to hear and once we have sex he acts different.
We stopped talking for 3 weeks and i decided to contact him. What should I do? Start with yourself by having standards and practicing it. In result, they only surround themselves with people who are only in their standards or who respect them and when people can see and know that you respect yourself they will respect you too.. If not then avoid those people. My ex boyfriend and I still live together, and we have had sex. I tried initiating sex a week ago, and he said that we were having too much sex and girls get more emotional when sex is involved.
So I said fine and did not insist.
How To Know If Your Ex Boyfriend Is Using You
A few days later, he was trying to initiate it and I kept rejecting. I told him it was not a good idea, and we are only friends. He insisted on and off for about an hour and half. He finally gave up. He said he was sorry for being a jerk not sure if he meant for insisting or about the whole break up.
We went to bed, he cuddled and he put his head on my chest. I said I was just kidding and he pinned me down. I told him it was fun to tease him. Honestly, I am having pleasure seeing him squirm and not getting anything in return. We have been a bit flirty with each other, and he has initiated messages during the day and replies when I message him. We still go grocery shopping and have dinner together. We went to church together last Sunday and he asked me out to lunch afterwards. I asked if he still wanted to come and he said no.
Is there anything else I could do to have him commit, or am I being impatient? Because our relation like not a date just the fact that we really understand each other and we have this connection and inside jokes also he always makes me feel better about myself and even before dating him from before he use to tease me and we were like best friends. Like he never forced me on anything he was always nice to me! Well I hope his memory is full. Can u pls tell me if u know what going on or give me some advice on why he stopped texting.
Why not try the no contact rule? Hi, I wanna ask. I gave him the sort of break up message yesterday and today is my first day of NC. I need help with this.
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Thanks Chris n Co. I have talked to him telling him how there will be no us sleeping together ever and no more touching just normal friends and he agreed.