But these relationships are also banned at most schools, which makes them dangerous… or, for some collegiettes, intriguing. We talked with two relationship experts to figure out why collegiettes and professors start relationships, the dangers involved in such relationships, and if they could ever actually be healthy. But there are a variety of reasons as to why collegiettes would want to start a flirtation or relationship with their professor or TA, and every situation is different.
It could be that the student just thinks her professor is attractive , or it could be that she is seeking out personal validation. Some collegiettes take an older, wiser man finding them attractive as a huge compliment. Okay, we know that equating a chem professor with Edward Cullen could be a bit of a stretch, but just think of Twilight—part of the reason why the story is so fascinating to readers is because of the forbidden nature of their relationship.
Dating undergrad students? - Officially Grads - The GradCafe Forums
Julie Kleinhans, a radio show host and life coach for teens and young adults, says that the feeling of being dominant to a student can be a reason why professors and TAs have relationships with students. You might be thinking: If the student decides she ever wants to end the relationship, the professor or TA could seek out revenge by giving her a low grade in his or her class. Kleinhans says that young women who have bad relationship experiences with older or more powerful men tend to continue to attract men that she feels subordinate to, causing her even more emotional harm in the future.
Is it possible that a relationship with a TA or a professor could end well?
Professor or TA Hook-ups & Relationships: Are They Ever a Good Idea?
Been there, done that posted by special-k at 7: I dated my TA in undergrad. My husband went to his department head and disclosed the relationship officially, and nobody thought it was a big deal. I think it happens fairly often. I wouldn't do this if I were you. If it goes badly you are risking too much.
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It might be fine, but why put you work at risk? You have already said enough here for him to challenge every grade you have given him that "mark the smarter kids harder to bring out their potential" will not fly as an acceptable practice, throw in you sleeping with the kid and you would be doomed at a hearing I would avoid this. I am curious as to what my fellow grad students or professors in my department would think of me if they were to find out This is going to vary a lot depending on the culture of your department.
In my graduate department, it was considered totally ok and not even worth gossiping about for a grad student to date an undergrad, as long as they weren't currently teaching them. And because of how teaching assignments worked there, it was super easy to make sure that you would not be assigned as a TA to a class your undergrad datee was taking. And in my department, both male and female TAs were openly dating male and female undergrads in all sorts of complicated combinations.
That said, I'm sure that gender plays a huge role in how this is seen and discussed, and more so in some places than in others. As a former TA I have been asked to help write recommendations for students the professor was very fond of delegating things to me after the class had ended. Just something to keep in mind. This probably varies from school to school, but if you're just a TA not a professor and won't be her TA again, it should be fine.
Still, check relevant manuals first. I'm a former TA and this came up once. I am a professor and I do not care who my TAs date after the semester is over. This former TA sez go for it! Somebody in my department did it and married her. The one I liked came to office hours a bunch. Then came at the same time next semester--when I had different office hours.
Saw her in the halls, but we never got together: I guess I'm just summarising the above, but here's the three questions to ask yourself. You're both adults, and there may not be a policy against it, but there's still a good reason not to do it. Suppose he thinks he did a good job in the class as you say, he's bright , at least in part because of things you have control over grades, perhaps discussions during or after class. Then you invite him out on a date. How is he supposed to think about his earlier evaluation of his abilities?
Did he really do well, or did the fact that you liked him grease the skids? This may not be much of an issue because of your limited involvement, and it is likely less of an issue given that men generally aren't subject to a lot of efforts to undermine their confidence in their intellectual abilities, but it is something to consider.
The excellent "What is it like to be a woman in philosophy" has a post about a more dramatic version with a male professor and female former student. Date whomever you want, whenever you want, with one proviso If you have a personal relationship with a student -- platonic, non-platonic, or whatever -- get someone else to grade their work whether another TA or the instructor.
This isn't that uncommon of a case. This is quite common at [major research university] where I've TA'd for the better part of a decade. As someone currently in the reverse role about whom this post may even possibly be about? I really don't think it is weird at all, just two adults sharing some love. In fact, I intend to ask my TA out on a date after the semester is over: But if you're interested, I also wouldn't wait for him to make a move, you never know when something special exists and it would be a shame to miss out on it.
As a minimally identifying question because this feels strangely like the situation I am in and, if so, would totally be interested! I think this depends a lot on the culture of the school and the department. It helps a lot, though, that it's an older undergrad. That should tell you everything you need to know about whether it's okay where you are. Once upon a time, well over a year after I had graduated college, I was messing around on a dating site.
I saw a cute girl. And she was a grad student in anthropology - how cool, that's what I majored in for undergrad! So of course I sent her a message. She replied, was witty and attracted to me and we were all raring to meet up and geek out about New Guinean hill tribes over beers.
And then, in the course of our emails back and forth, it was revealed that she was a grad student in Anthro at the very university where I had received my degree in Anthro not two years prior. We'd been there at the same time, and she'd been the TA for some courses during that period. She shut the whole thing down without even meeting me - there was just too strong a possibility that, if we hit it off and started a real relationship, someone at the school would eventually find out, misunderstand, and it could potentially ruin her career even though it would be easy to verify that she'd never actually taught me.
Unless you were to leave the program, perhaps. The OP did not know that this was ok prior to posting this question. I dated a handful of my students during my time as a grad student much of my twenties, in three different graduate degrees, and in two large public universities.
So did my peers. The faculty did not care what happened after the semester was done. Just follow that golden rule - you cannot judge this student ever again or write a letter of rec. I am still in academia and we still don't care what happens after the course is done. My point was that if the OP is nervous about people at his school finding out that he asked the question, he should probably be nervous about dating the student, and if not, then not.
Right, got that after posting my comment. But it still means nothing. Many people on AskMe post relationship questions anonymously to keep that out of their posting history. What's wrong with that? Your test If you cannot post this under your own username then you shouldn't be doing it is just plain wrong. As much as I wouldn't like to admit, I falsely assumed the OP was male. I found it a little creepy, but only because of a past experience.
I slept with a TA in undergrad and in hindsight it was a bad idea, mostly because I wasn't really attracted to him but was kind of into the fact that he stared at my ass and flirted with me. O, the things we do as naive, insecure girls The fact that you're older than the student, a female, and the prof makes it way hotter. Just make sure that he's single before you make any advances.
What is the age diff? I think if the question you're posting anonymously to ask is "would it be ethical to pursue a relationship in this context? Not because being anonymous is bad, but because the poster seems to already know deep down that this is sketchy or she would have just put her name on it. OP, I have no idea whether it's a problem in your case or not. I know tons of people who have dated across this kind of line. In many cases it works out great. You know what, though: People always toss this off like it solves any problems.
But if, for instance, the student goes to graduate school in your subject, you are one of a handful of contacts he has at this point. He would be losing a potential mentor and writer of recommendations; you wouldn't. In this sense, relationships across a power diferential tend to be more costly for the person with less power, not the other way around. In your shoes I would mainly be concerned about the student if something went wrong-- in the relationship, in his career, or some combination of the two.
At the institutions I've been to: They don't care if you're dating an undergrad, they don't even care if a professor is dating an undergrad. At one of the institutions I attended, the major frosh gossip was the fact that two of the tenured profs had met - and started dating - while one was an undergrad, and the other already had tenure. But really, we gossiped about it because we gossiped about everything, including and most especially the fact that the same teacher wore hairpieces that contrasted strongly with their natural hair color.
Don't worry about it. You can make it into a big deal by asking lots of people in your department about it, but really, with most departments, if you don't make it their problem, it isn't a problem. I might take care in how you approach your crush after the semester is over. I agree about using data that you only had access to via the class, see if there is some publicly accessible means of contacting him. I read your original post and update as a female grad student with a cute male undergrad. Not sure why everyone jumped to the opposite assumption.
Nthing that this depends a lot on the culture of your department. The beauty and travesty of the UC policy governing consensual relationships is in its vagueness. On the other hand, a cautious TA interpreting this literally could deduce that this makes everybody with any remote connection to UCLA off-limits. A better question is why undergraduates would want to date TAs.
I eat ramen literally twice a week. So unless nerdiness, isolation and ramen turn you on, there are more fertile pastures out there. Then again, we are fairly high-achieving on paper at least, so hopefully mom and dad would approve. Stick out the relationship for the busy years and we could blossom into successful professionals who share common academic interests and an alma mater. Do you enjoy ramen and educational research?
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