July 30th, by Nick Notas 8 Comments. One night, I was out with a friend who struggled with expressing his sexual side.
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The guy knew how to hold conversation but any kind of flirting, touching, or leading was impossible to comprehend. I realized the only way I was going to convince him was through systematic desensitization: You start with your most attainable goals and progressively increase the challenge. Each success you experience strips away your anxieties and proves to your mind that improvement is possible. To begin, you must first admit your insecurities and recognize your defense mechanisms.
Being vulnerable is the only way you will truly change. Right now you have all sorts of bullshit in your head that talks you out of being sexual. Do you really have any idea if she wants to be hit on or not? Do you really not give a shit about meeting and having sex with a great girl?
You watch porn and think about sex regularly; those desires are most definitely a part of you. I used to be one of those guys that thought women were offended by sexuality. I believed it was impossible to kiss a girl within 15 minutes of meeting her. I swore that talking about sex early on in conversation was a turn-off. Become consciously aware of the defense mechanisms you use.
The most effective way to do this is by journaling — writing stuff down helps you be completely honest and dig into the depths of yourself. Write about your defense mechanisms and when you use them. Write down your entire sexual past in detail. List your insecurities, failures, successes, and exactly how they make you feel.
Right now you are way below the line of where you should be sexually forward. You have to go overboard and past that line so you can find the accurate middle-ground of where you should end up. Focus only on the exercises below and tackle the examples that are out of your reach, one by one. For each exercise you finish, journal your experience. Write about your fears going in to the approach, how you felt in the moment, and how different the outcome was compared to what you expected.
Be as specific and as transparent as possible about each interaction. Do not move onto the next exercise until you have completed the previous. Of course, you can incorporate higher-level exercises or escalate if things heat up. All of the examples that require multiple tries can be completed with one woman or many. I generally recommend attempting these in person, either on an initial meeting or first date. You can also try some of the applicable ones in online dating but it will not help you as much as a face-to-face interaction will. He demolished his ideas of what he was capable of and unleashed the sexual power he had within.
The first night after our shameless experiment, I watched him pull a girl from the bar, make out with her against the outside wall, and take her home.
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As you complete each exercise and write your experiences, you will tear down your limiting beliefs. You can even refer back to your writings as further backup:. And each time a woman enjoys your flirting, touches you back, and opens up to you sexually, you will be reinforcing healthy values. You will shed your guilt and shame because girls are clearly enjoying your company.
You will stop being sexually frustrated and start feeling fulfilled. You will finally internalize being a confident, sexual man.
Learn how to tap into your sexual power. Have a free strategy session with me. Consistently escalate your dates from friendly to flirty. Sign up below to get immediate access to the First Date Field Manual.
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I've just had my first hookup with a newly found FWB and can't escape the feeling of dread or anxiety, even 12 hours on. If casual sex triggers your anxiety you should probably stop having casual sex.
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Get an ad-free experience with special benefits, and directly support Reddit. Welcome to Reddit, the front page of the internet. Become a Redditor and subscribe to one of thousands of communities. There was nothing wrong with the sex itself - he was great.