Dating an insecure narcissist

I don't mean that narcissists see insecurity everywhere. I'm talking about a different kind of projection altogether, akin to playing hot potato with a sense of smallness and deficiency. Narcissists say and do things, subtle or obvious, that make you feel less smart, less accomplished, less competent.

Signs You Are Dating A Type of Narcissist

It's as if they're saying, "I don't want to feel this insecure and small; here, you take the feelings. Feelings are a natural consequence of being human, and we tend to have lots of them in the course of normal interactions. But the very fact of having a feeling in the presence of another person suggests you can be touched emotionally by friends, family, partners, and even the occasional tragedy or failure.


Narcissists abhor feeling influenced in any significant way. It challenges their sense of perfect autonomy; to admit to a feeling of any kind suggests they can be affected by someone or something outside of them. So they often change the subject when feelings come up, especially their own, and as quick as they might be to anger, it's often like pulling teeth to get them to admit that they've reached the boiling point -- even when they're in the midst of the most terrifying tirade.

Narcissism seems to be born of neglect and abuse, both of which are notorious for creating an insecure attachment style for more on attachment, see here and here. But the very fact that narcissists, for all their posturing, are deeply insecure, also gives us an easy way to spot them. Insecurely attached people can't talk coherently about their family and childhood; their early memories are confused, contradictory, and riddled with gaps. Narcissists often give themselves away precisely because their childhood story makes no sense, and the most common myth they carry around is the perfect family story.

If your date sings their praises for their exalted family but the reasons for their panegyric seem vague or discursive, look out. The devil is in the details, as they say -- and very likely, that's why you're not hearing them.

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Another common narcissistic tendency you might be less familiar with is the habit of putting people on pedestals. The logic goes a bit like this: And stand back once that happens. A toxic narcissist does not only want to be the center of attention, they want to feel superior. As a result, he or she puts others down to make them feel inferior. According to Morton, research has shown that this type of narcissist even enjoys hurting others. When in a relationship with a toxic narcissist, he or she will frequently put you down.

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They might openly insult you or give you backhanded compliments and they rarely or never praise you but only criticize you. Furthermore, they enjoy creating drama in their relationships, which they most often would not admit.

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They stir up chaos by starting unnecessary arguments in which they humiliate or attack their partners. It is important to remember that NPD is a mental disorder that stems from traumatic experiences in childhood. However, this route requires commitment and hard work from both of you.

The Extremely Dangerous New Male Breed: The Insecure Narcissist

If you are not ready for that and think parting is the better choice, for now, you might appreciate this read. By providing the information below you will receive early-bird invitations to our events, exclusive musings tailored to your interests, and access to our curated mentorship program. To join our community, just fill out the form below.

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Are you dating one? These people believed in you and saw all of the positives you had to offer, there was no need to go all on Kanye West on everyone. The juxtaposition of these two characteristics created this unique brand of human, and unfortunately its population is growing by the minute. Despite the toxic influence these people have had on my life, I continuously find myself gravitating towards them. The irony is full circle. Insecure narcissists exist everywhere, so please beware; they rarely accessorize with caution tape.

Signs You Are Dating A Type of Narcissist

So thank you Sophia Rossi, for putting a name to the face. I feel you on this one, I really do. Nothing terrifies me more than being so close to someone and then watching them become a stranger again. Reblogged this on ramblingsā€¦ and commented: The Insecure Narcissist Read this: Sign up for the Thought Catalog Weekly and get the best stories from the week to your inbox every Friday.

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