I know it hurts but there is only one thing to do. If you can't trust him then there is no future in your relationship. A relationship is based on trust. I would definitely bring it up to him that you found the profile and discuss it. I don't see why one would sign up to a dating website to look for "platonic" friendships. Just curious, how long have you guys been together? Have you been having any sort of issues lately?
Has he been "distant"?
Chad We've been together for almost 10 months now and within that time he already got to meet my parents and family. We did have a couple of arguments recently before he set up the profile that made me even ask him if we should end the relationship. I felt that we are very different people that usually ends up in compromises. Also having opposing views and perspectives brought a lot of heated arguments. I can't really say if he has been distant. I just do know that he spends less time for me because he was busy chatting. I guess you have two choices here - either confront him with the fact that he has joined up on this dating site, and ask him why?
It might be that he is worried about being all alone in a distant city, and is looking for some company, or it might be that he just wants to try something new. Either way, I think you have to decide whether or not you are going to allow it to become a part of your relationship with him. If he joins a dating website once "without you knowing", will you be able to trust him in future? I'm sad to hear about your predicament.
Don't you want to jokingly tease him that you found his name in the website while you happened to browse the website to check reminisce about your meeting there your message history, or whatever story you can think of? My suggestion is to just ask him outright in a nice way before making any drastic decisions.
Maybe he is really just looking for friends fingers crossed to hang out with? If you have a heart-to-heart talk and you feel he's not happy with the relationship, maybe it's time to make decisions to stay in it or go Hope you'll resolve this soon. Life is too short to spend with a person who doesn't respect you if it's true. Here's wishing you the best. If it doesn't work out with him, then It's the grown-up, sensible thing to do, even if it's a tricky subject to approach.
Anything else is just playing games and ultimately likely to result in more grief. Not sure why you should get hate messages just because you are both guys. Anyway, why not make up your own fake profile, contact him and play him along for a while, as you suggested? It won't make things worse and at least you will know. Then you can find out if he is serious. And then confront him, if necessary.
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- When Your Boyfriend is Still on a Dating Site – What to do?!
At least you will have the facts. Good luck, sorry to hear this. Thank you for all your responses. I really appreciate the time and effort you spend on this. It makes me feel less alone. Not that I'm prejudiced or anything to that effect. I'm just afraid to read some gay bashing and I don't think I have the strength to handle that now. She says things like, if we split up I want the dog. I ask why she says this and she just says she is worried about the dog if something goes wrong between us.
When You Catch Your Partner in an Online Dating Site
She saves up money for air tickets to go home to her parents. I am worried that I have been conned out of all my money. So much, wasted, and this moment keeps slipping away. I get so tired, of working so hard for our survival. I look to the times with you, to keep me awake and alive. But now that I found she is unfaithful in her heart and in her future plans, I have nothing but God to keep me alive and give me hope. Nothing on earth, no joy, no happiness, lasts very long. And now I take no joy in anything. We have three young boys together.
How could she think to leave, for even a moment. It can only be the work of pure evil. I hope that your relationship is not like this. Find true love,and keep it as long as you can. Do not be the reason it fails. If you both feel the same, maybe you have the best chance to make it. However, young people, do not ever get married.
Protect your assets and your heart. Good Luck to all of you. Now, if you wish, you can learn more about marriage and take yours to a higher level, without fear of making mistakes. He was on his own for a long time and I think they were his female companionship. We both are seniors with very bad experiences in the past and he has many good qualities. I think his male self esteem has been seriously compromised from the past.
While I am not threatened by them, I know they indicate that our relationship is not what I want it to be. He is very afraid to open up but is doing so slowly. I agree that confrontation is unlikely to benefit anyone. It does not take away from the good stuff in our relationship. I have recently started sending him love song videos which he seems to appreciate.
I have had, at various times, to make the decision as whether I want to promote this relationship or end it. I have decided to promote it. His communication with me about deep issues and also just to keep on touch when he is away is improving slowly but steadily. At some point I may share with him that I know about it, but in a kind way acknowledging that he has some needs that are not met in our relationship. Since he has been doing it for a long time before we met I would not expect that he would drop it immediately.
None of us is perfect. Your ability to weigh the positives against the negatives and let go of the negatives will allow your love to grow without restraint. Not building expectations that cannot be met is further proof of your innate wisdom, and your refusal to be influenced by trendy and false crazy ideas is admirable. I think you would enjoy our book. You remind me of one our earlier coaches, who was a MFT and he taught psychology at the collage level.
You will do very well with your man, and when you marry you will be able to enjoy much more connection. Blessings to you both. Which book is that? I taught at college for years — in the area of the sciences mainly. Developing that was my first priority. My students taught ne much. You will enjoy and benefit from my books, Breaking The Cycle, or Lessons for a Happy Marriage, both of which are available in the menu.
Thank you for your inputs. In the past year I have found several dating sites my husband is linked to. I confronted him when I discovered a contact in his phone disguised as a male but was really a woman from one of the sites. He deleted the sites but this past week I saw more accounts linked to an email he claims not to use. These sites are specifically for affairs and hook ups. There were even pornographic in his drafts folder. The most recent blow in the course of 48 hours was finding him texting a former friend of mine that slept with my boyfriend back in college.
He claims she texted him and told him to disguise her number. I just recently moved across the country for his new job and we have a young child. Dear Molly, I think you wrote to us, but I will answer here for the sake of others. Marriage is not a plaything or temp relationship, but the way media approaches it we all have ideas about marriage that makes it tough to make it work. I would not condone any actions which are not marriage building, but the truth is your husband, and you, do not know until you know. The very purpose for our existenceis to teach marriage. Either take our course or read our book.
Your situation is not only fixable, but you can use this as a wake up call. As a single woman who uses websites to seek out single, eligible partners I cannot believe the number of men who are married and seeking out a relationship of some sort or another posing as single men. I do not knowingly date married men and I was shocked at the number of married men I encountered on line. I made dates with these men thinking they were actually single.
It became obvious to me at a certain point that they are still heavily involved with a woman in some way. Honestly, the problems these men have are worthy of a paycheck for me! I am not a marriage counselor, but it seems to me that is the role I play for these men. A lot of times I feel they are actually trying to understand why their marriage is so bad and what they can do to make it better.
I am an honest and perceptive woman. Most of these guys need some help and usually their marriages mean more to them than being single or getting divorced. There is a breakdown in the marriage somewhere along the way. When I discover the men are married I just converse with them politely. I think these men are very confused and do not know how to go about repairing their marriages. These guys all claim they are not happy but they have no plans to divorce or remarry. So women — arm yourself with this thought.
So just because your husband is on a dating website do not assume that he is willing to throw your marriage down the drain or will find a regular woman who will go for this unless she is desperate to have a child and entrap a married man. I f you want your marriage to go down the drain and the guy has been a handful, I could understand why you might want to throw in the towel. From what I have seen of most of these married men they have really lost their way in the marriage. Most of them have no plans to divorce or remarry right away.
Try to work on your marriage unless the man has been utterly disgusting has sex with your sister, is involved with criminal activity, is abusive to you or your children. A lot of the guys have career or substance abuse issues which will usually not go away by replacing their wives. And of course most normal women do not want to get involved with a married man with financial, legal or substance abuse issues!
Most of these guys need a fresh perspective on their marriage and their lives, not a divorce. I also meet married men when I am out socially who are cheating on their wives. I am not a therapist nor am I affiliated with this website. These guys are truly lost but it seems very evident to me that they are not planning on divorcing or remarrying. I think people often forget about basic love and respect in their marriages. I always act like a lady on every date. The guys I have met said they had fun or enjoyed my openness or honesty.
I am sure they found me physically attractive as well, but it seems like a different perspective is what attracted them the most. A lot of people seem to say they are no longer in love, but I think they have forgotten how to keep the relationship lively. Why is the guy taking me out to dinner or out dancing to a new place he has never been to with his wife?
I think the answer is that one or both of them has forgotten the initial fun and attraction that characterized the reason for their initial union, and the unique way they have helped one another along in life. I agree with your opinion. May be worsened the situation.
I have 5 years old daughter and hence feel sceptical to take any bold step. I am trying my best to understand his psychological and physical needs, and trying to fulfil at his requirement level. I have started to show him more love and attention; and trying to motivate him a lot because his professional life is not good from past many years. Please advise me if I am incorrect somewhere. I have two questions, please advise me: How to maintain my sexual life? But I keep going to him after few days..
How do I help him come out of online dating, affairs etc. Also presently he is staying in different city because of his work. I am glad you followed that course of action. Turning from taking things personally to compassionate understanding is a powerful medicine that you need to take for the rest of your life. Please read one of our books or take the course…you will be fine if you become knowledgeable. I understand that the advice you are giving is logical. It could work if the man truly is in love and just acting badly. It makes me cry to read though. I feel as if this behavior destroys me.
Why must i be so much better then i am to deserve to truly be cared for. My brain says people are human and they can hurt you and love you at the same time. My heart says no, i have loved you and you have used me. How nasty that you should do that and the only way i can fix it is to go on and on feeling so unloved while i try to win you. Dear Betsy Your confusion is completely understandable, and very common.
We give and give and give. To the end of the earth and yet we should be the ones to change more? To live more so that we can win him back? He refuses to get help, counseling. Dear Kris Can you recall one time in your life that resentment actually accomplished anything good? Because I have never seen or heard of anger, vengeance, or expectations ever create a positive result. Our point is that those who escape their marriages, their wives, by going onto porn sites, or looking for sex fixes, are running for a reason. Is it right that they should do so?
But neither is it right that a wife would abandon all loyalty, and all compassion, to express her disdain for the man she married by condemnation. Your husband is not perfect. We are here to help marriages, and we are very good at it. Our clients are successful. But we will only alter our ways when we find a better way to heal marriages. Confronted him and he denied, denied, denied. Gave him photocopies of proof, then he started being affectionate to me. I wanted to throw up.
So we finally talked and I chose to continue the relationship if he could confront the ex and tell her he would not be speaking with her anymore.
I thought we had worked things out. Recently my girlfriend tells me he is messaging her through a dating site. Asked him why he was on a dating site. Again deny, deny, deny. I joined the dating website and messaged him. Still he denies that he got my message. The site confirms that he was online and got it. So do I continue to be treated like an ass at home while he is doing whatever when I go to work to support us both???? Somehow I do not think you are married. The things you did are aggressive, confrontational, intense. What would your reaction be?
I do hope there are no children involved. Neither of you are educated enough to raise children properly, and perhaps not mature enough either. You do not ask questions that would help your relationship. So there can be no valuable feedback for you. I have more than one degree and have studied psychology and human development. I have two grown children that are doing very well. Self-improvement is necessary when our old ways fail us. What is not being dealt with is the hurt and extreme pain that we endure. What do we do with that???
Sometimes the only comfort is to let it go because harmony is much more tolerable. Susan, you cannot control your husband, but you can learn to manage your mind.. It is not your husbands actions that are the root of your suffering, but how you perceive his actions, or better stated, how your mind perceives his actions. Your mind will control you until, through educated understanding, you learn to control it. Then, and only then, can you be on the path to happiness.
Our teachings are not to become a martyr. Our teachings are wonderful explanations so you can be happy. Dear Jan I can appreciate your comment about my advice as it applies to your own situation, but a general article is not intended to cover every situation, nor do I suggest that a few tips are always adequate to resolve an issue that is essentially a symptom.
My advice is to let women know that although it is not their fault their husband is yielding to this monstrous temptation, there are things they can do about it. The fact that you would trash me personally, says a lot about your personality and approach to your husband, who is much closer to you. Your level of expectations of him are obviously greater than he can deliver, yet you pummel him in a public venue- venting.
Where is your spiritually driven compassion? Would you expect a man with a broken arm to carry a piano? My advice is sound, based on the core principles we teach. Not everyone can appreciate the depth, but we have seen much worse situations than yours get corrected. You have a done a great job protecting your children and remaining loyal.
I wish you would study what we offer so you can do even better — Paul. I am a pretty woman. I get hit on all the time by men but I tell them I am married and not interested. Anyhows I just found out about two months ago that my husband has 5 accounts on sexads. How I found out is because I made an anonymous account on there and searched his name. Anyhows, he has been searching for local women to hook up with and be even prints out pictures of these women that are nude.
It makes me furious about it. I tried to block this site but then he abuses me and calls me a bitch over and over. Also he drinks so that ads to the situation too. I have tried to be attracted to him like I used to but he just wants sex. He is not an attractive man. He is very skinny and the alcoholism has aged him badly.
I need advice please!!! Dear Gail Alcohol is a terrible disease of the mind, and those who fall into its clutches have a very difficult time getting unhooked because it reduces the users will power, sometimes slowly, sometimes drastically. Our advice is for you to rise above your current situation, yes, but also take precautions that prevent you from sliding into the state he is in. We also advise you to create in yourself an attitude of compassion towards him, rather than disdain, because compassion forces you to up while not pushing him further down. We have been together for 12 years and married 8 we fell in love with each other after both being in very difficult relationships, moved in together both having children from previous marriages, but we got through everything that had been thrown at us.
I thought we always had this special connection not matter what we were there for each other. I have just found on my husband computor he joined a sexy dating site chatting to woman saying sexual things he wanted to do to them and to arrange to meet one inpertiqular, I beleive this has not happened as i spoke to the girl, All i can say is i am heartbroken. I have confronted him I did scream and shout at first but that is because my husband the man i love destroyed me, he has deleted everything he tells me he loves me and he is sorry and that it became an addiction.
I am trying to pick up the pieces but i feel so hurt how could he do this to us, to us we were suppose to be solid. Suzy The test you are going through is difficult, to say the least, but that does not mean you will not get to the other side of this, and far beyond. This is a wake up call. What you do from here is up to you, and how you perceive what happened the reasons why will have a lot to do with what you do from here. Understanding the difference between how men and and women relate to sex, due to biological drives and social training is essential for you.
Then, when you have the option of feeling compassion instead of hurt, you will be able to move forward if you plan on being there for him. We have seen this situation many times before. We have never seen a failure at least with our clients. I have been married for 10 years. He is constantly checking his phone. He had put us in financial problems. I feel sick to think that he could to this to me.
I wish I knew about his life style before I got pregnant. Please what can I do I feel so alone. Dear Agnes Please contact us through our coaching…go on the website, and find the contact link. I have been married for 14 years, he has been acting weird latley so I decied to check his phone, and he is signed up to numerous online dating websites.
What do I do? Do I just keep my mouth shut and assume he is just browsing. It is not your fault, but saving your relationship is going to take you stepping up your love and expressions. AND, it is not a good time to bring it up. I have been in a committed relationship for over 5 years. Lately I noticed that there was something not right in the relationship,as he always hid his phone from me and would never allow me to see his passwords on his computer.
Well one day he left his computer open with his emails right there in front of me. I found a message that he sent to a woman whom was a work associate. The message contained very passionate and sexual connotations. I asked him about this. I felt very hurt because I was very committed to him and had been by his side for everything and loved him and showed him love. I felt very angry as this was going on for quite some time. They were going to lunch together frequently. He said that there was nothing sexual between them.
How could there not be any more. He never spoke to me like that. He said he would stop seeing her at lunch and stop the emailing and texting with her. That was one month ago. What should I do? I feel very unwanted. I am rather obsessed thinking about what he may be doing behind my back. It is a psychophysiological reality that a committed relationship is not the same as marriage. In the past, when we have tried to help couples in less than a marriage we have seen the strain break the bond, as it is just not the same. I suggest you learn about marriage from one of our books or courses, then you may have a better notion of what the right thing for you to do.
We have a 2 year old daughter and another on the way. I recently found him on dating websites like tinder and plenty of fish etc. But today I found him on another one claiming to be single and to having no children. The idea is we have a good relationship I always have been good to him and his needs are met. So why is this happening. Im not dumb though I know he has to be getting messages from girls and sending them out. Is it worth it to stay? And how should I confront him. Dear Jessica………your situation is as tough as can be because you are doubly vulnerable.
We would say to continue loving him, but protect your family by not allowing sex without a condom. Therapy will likely not work. As you say, he is too immature. But this is not a family buster unless you are the one to bust it. He, like you, needs unconditional love. It would be wise for you to use our course or, at the very least, read one of our books — both spell out much that you need to learn. Your advice is very similar to a program I followed when trying to save my first marriage.
For the most part I think it is sound advice, but there are situations in which I think it must be tweaked. I found my husband—again—on a dating site. He lies about everything to these women—age, name, location, job. I have in the past ignored the behavior, confronted him, and gently asked why. None of it changed the behavior.
I am the sole provider in the house. I work 3 jobs. Per his request I immediately change into lingerie when I arrive home. I cook dinner in lingerie. I maintain the house. I get about 3 hours of sleep each night because he wants me up spending time with him. When I sleep and go to my primary job he goes online.
On top of all this he daily goes through my phone, email, and social media sites; accuses me of sneaking off during lunch to meet with boyfriends; accuses me of being in love with all my exes; and insists that I dress for work just to attract new men. How do you deal with a man for whom it is never enough? Or am I sacrificing myself for a lost cause?
Marcie It is quite possible you chose poorly, and if there are no children in the home who he is taking care of your moving on may be a reasonable thing to do. There is a cardinal rule, that we cannot change another. So although you are doing your best in these areas there are some missing elements…. But the children aspect is very important to consider. My ex husband has always been on several sites at once and even lies about his age on them. He said he wants to reconcile with me. He lies and lies. Everytime he got caught he blamed me. Dear Lori We never suggest confrontation because the confronted person will always lie, deflect or….
It is always better to tune into your heart and be the source of love all husbands seek, though sometimes in bizarre ways. Instead you need to develop the knowledge based skills required for marriage…. I am sure you will find happiness, but you need to know where to look.
When Your Boyfriend is Still on a Dating Site - What to do?
Friedman, have read many of your comments, my daughter is trying to deal with a husband who has cheated once, started a Facebook profile using a fake name, was confronted, took it down, and now is on dating sites with half nude pics of himself-again lying about himself. They have a young son, he also has a drinking problem and has lied to her many times about his drinking. She has gone to counseling, has tried to learn to not be critical and has tried to reach out to him, but he still blames her then says he is sorry, again lies and drinks, is taking them to financial ruin.
So- you say it is her reaction that can save their marriage? So, if he keeps doing this, she should work on herself and just keep going only to have this happen again and again? But life is not like that. We need to know as much about marriage and relationships as possible, or we run into one stumbling block after another. The more we strive to do what is right, based on usable principles, in accordance with what we face, the better the outcome. Your daughter is in a troubling situation, and there is no telling how it will turn out over time, but she is still his wife, and still the mother to their child.
If she reads Breaking The Cycle or takes our course if it is easily affordable she will have a much better idea of what she should do…or you can both complain, criticize, and condemn…and keep digging the hole you are all in. Your son in law is hurting, too. His actions are NOT excusable, but you make it sound like he is vindictive rather than trapped. He needs help, too. Twila Your seeing marriage as a give and take relationship, where things have to be fair. But those approaches cannot work.
Marriage is not, and was never meant to be give and take, or fair. But when you understand its innate dynamics marriage will bring you more happiness than any other relationship by huge degrees. Your sour grapes ideas would be accurate if you were in a business deal. Your husband is not your child, either though they often act that way. It is not your fault, of course. Our society does not prepare us for marriage or any other relationship. I suggest you at least read our books if you cannot afford the course though it is inexpensive, it cost more than the books.
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we were very happy totally in love and the sexual chemistry is amazing. Last year my mum died and my feelings changed, he became suspicious of me and accused me of cheating. I reassured him and he seemed to accept this, he said he was afraid I was cheating because of my high sex drive, this was totally untrue, I let him have my phone, emails and so on and there was no evidence of a problem so he calmed down and accepted I have always been faithful.
Its been up and down all year, he wanted to make up, then was difficult and unsupportive again. Finally, I checked his emails to find out what was going on, he had been on dating websites, largely to overseas sites, he told me he likes to be admired. I confronted him and we split up, we both went on dating websites but then agreed we had realised what we lost and wanted to start again. I contacted her she said they exchanged numbers on a dating website but had hardly had much contact.
I am now at the point of giving up, I love him very dearly and recently we told eachother we wanted to be together forever, he said we are soul mates and he said we would start again on a new footing but he is still contacting other women. Any advice would be welcome. Dear Christina It saddens me to see in your example how women have been convinced that the shallowness of sex and surface relationships is all you need. The depth of a woman is in her heart, the gateway to infinite love, not merely a temporary gratification of the emotions.
Within you is that which men seek, that love which they do not have so direct an access to. This love is what you and your boyfriend are missing, and it cannot be easily discovered outside of marriage…. Our world is deprived of depth, and me must make great effort to find the way…. Your hope is in your heart, and you must begin anew to find that, and then you will attract the man who finds it within you.
The first time was almost 2years ago I found the secret phone in his work truck, I forgave him,we were trying to work on our marriage.. How in the world do I move past this? Some do not forgive, but callously end their marriage out of anger and frustration. Others go for counseling in order to understand what happened, and get a feel about what they can now do, but marriage counseling almost never works.
You said you worked on your marriage…but how? If you want to work on being an artist or an accountant or anything else you would take steps to learn about whatever subject was necessary to achieve success. But we seem to ignore the reality that marriage, too, has requisite subjects to learn for success. I do pray for you and hope you understand enough of what I wrote to help you get started with enthusiastic determination.
If so than have you ever been cheated on,or been the one to cheat? So thank you for your response,just not the advice I was hoping to recive.. Lana Of course I am very happily married, have children, and so with every coach we bring into The Marriage Foundation. All of us also understand these teachings inside out so we can do the best we can in helping those who find themselves in trouble.
I am sorry you find yourself in this current situation, but some kind of marriage failure was inevitable because your idea of marriage as expressed is impossible. Marriage is not a business deal wherein both parties agree to equal effort, although our worldly training teaches us just that. Marriage is a give and give relationship, based on premises of each striving to love unconditionally. Your husband did not fail you as much as he failed himself. And now, you wish to punish him, rather than forgive him.
If you wish to save your marriage, you probably can, but not with your present thinking. I suggest you take our course or at least read one of our books. I promise you your thinking is taking you towards divorce. Our thinking and teachings can help you save your marriage.
It is your free will that decicdes your fate. Dear Sue What we teach has saved many marriages that would otherwise have ended, hurting the lives of all; spouses, children and future generations. In developing our programs I chose to focus on rehabilitation; of the love, the ideals of marriage, and the potential future. True, there is pain, but my methods give individuals the power to gain control over the emotions, and the power to tap into the love that is innate within us all. It is not idiotic to strive for solutions that potentially bring happiness, and in most cases our teachings do just that.
Do our teachings work in all cases? But we have saved marriages that most wrote off. Individuals who take our courses or read our book ALL have benefited. Not all marriages were saved, but the individual who sincerely puts our ideas into practice always fare much better for the rest of their lives.
My husband has been very cold and has been distancing himself from me for some time. He has been emotionally and physically distant , and I have been craving to get some intimacy back in the relationship. My reaction to this was that we should work on things while we are still under the same roof, as we have children and that we will all be affected by such drastic moves.. My husband finally did move out, 2 weeks ago, and still insists that he wants this marriage to work. He has not shown any remorse or has even apologised. He wants us to hang as friends and hopefully rekindle what we have lost.
Lifestyle & Relationships
I am now at the crossroads.. I no longer feel that I can trust him, but i want this marriage to work. Am I just being a doormat. Dear Nadi There is no sense blaming your husband for his weaknesses which, as you have seen, only makes him angry and pull further from you. If you are to save your marriage you must understand him, what drives him, and how you, yourself, must think and behave to pull him back into the family. Although it is unfortunate things have come so far it is probably not too late for your family if you do that which makes marriages work, rather than hold him accountable, which always destroys marriages.
A person of compassion is noble, not a doormat.