Why is hooking up with someone you broke up with or who broke your heart even the slightest bit appealing? For some couples, the relationship fundamentally didn't work—yet sex was still passionate. Your ex more than likely knows how best to get you off, and you don't have to deal with that first-time awkwardness that's inevitable when you hook up with someone new. New York-based sex therapist Sari Cooper, founder and director of the Center for Love and Sex , agrees that timing has a lot to do with it. Chat about your expectations. At the same time, you also need to have an honest conversation with yourself about your MO.
Let the past go. Certain subjects can touch a nerve, and the awkwardness and pain that might follow aren't worth the momentary bliss of an orgasm. So then I messaged him bc I saw he was active on Facebook when I called. Its been 3 days. Do I text him?? I want to tell him. We broke up a month ago. I successfully completed the NC rule for 27 days before we ran into each other for the first time since the breakup. We had a drink and went back to his house and slept together. A week went by and text him a light friendly text about something that reminded me of him.
He responded right away and positively and I briefly ended the convo. I waited and text him a few days later with another light friendly text asking him if he remembered what we ate at a restaurant he especially enjoyed. He responded positively and that was the night before our second encounter. Do I contact him to tell him how I feel and i mentioned before?? Currently hes asking me to put my life on hold while he chooses between me and another woman.
The question is, are you happy being the second choice and being treated like his friend with benefits? Do nc for yourself.. My ex broke up with me in February of this year. It was long distance. I agreed at first but it makes me feel terrible.
My Ex Boyfriend And I Still Hook Up (How Can I Get Him To Commit)
He got mad at me for jokingly saying something and told me to shut up and he regretted contacting me. I was hurt by this.
He said he often felt inferior and that led to a long emotional coversation. He said it made him feel terrible for writing this but that it was the truth. What should I do if I even want to start repairing our friendship? Is it possible to even get him back after so long?
I have tried NC for two weeks once, and he acted very strangely. He sent me several messages in a row and commented on my posts. I feel like if I were to do it again he would just block me. I really need help with this. I had sent a message on Snap a week before starting no contact. He also watched my story and sent me a message asking if I wanted to talk or if I needed more time. Thank you for responding. He stated that be had given me more chances than anyone and that he was tired of getting mad at me. The thing that had made him this upset was me calling him cupcake.
This was someone I had always been there for. Someone started a smear campaign against him basically and he still wanted to be friends with them. His behavior started coming off as extremely immature. I asked if all he felt when talking to me were bad feelings. He responded with they were either that or sexual. This was a hurtful comment after I have done my best to be nice and civil to this person. I still care about him since we have been friends for a while and a part of me does love him.
After that he mentioned that he wanted to continue to read the short stories and the book I was working on because he had nothing but respect for me as an author. I ended the conversation by saying I needed time to think and that I should never have stooped down to this level. He immediately responded back with that he needed to know if it was goodbye. The sudden change over something like that confuses me. I feel that I may have put him in a position of power after begging when our relationship was over months ago and agreeing to friends with benefits.
During NC I already made plans to attend a few musicals, art classes, and spend time with friends. I plan on improving myself. I just want to know what I should do afterwards so I can prepare? Just a reminder, nc means no replying too nor commenting back to his comments on your posts if he does. Do you want to restart nc and follow the advice above? If he blocks you, so be it. Your email address will not be published. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Getting Over Your Ex. The No Contact Rule. Breakups are rarely neat and tidy. The problem is, if you want your ex back, sleeping with him is absolutely NOT the answer. They end up sleeping together and then he totally brushes her off, and then badmouths her to some of the other guys, saying: Bridgette December 26, at 4: Amor December 27, at Luci December 17, at 6: Amor December 20, at 6: Luci December 15, at 3: Amor December 15, at 5: I was working on myself, getting into the best shape of my life and getting back to school. A few weeks later, he started texting me. Eventually, we hooked up.
I was listening to one of your podcasts about always leaving a man wanting more.
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He keeps telling me all these things that are confusing. What do I do? Thanks for leaving this great voicemail for me to feature on the podcast. The format of the show takes questions from visitors that come to the website. I think I really have a good game plan for her today. She was with her ex for four years. Four months ago, they broke up. After the breakup, he started seeing another girl.
It was during this time that Maggie started doing the 30 day no contact rule. It seems like she did it to perfection. She worked on herself. She got in the best shape of her life and the results shone through. Her ex came back to her, or at least wanted to come back to her. He started reaching out to her through text messages. Text messages turned into flirting. Then flirting turned into hooking up, which is a no-no. First, I want to congratulate you, Maggie, on getting through the no contact rule successfully and implementing it perfectly.
In a way, it did work. The no contact rule worked for you. For the listeners who are on the fence about doing the no contact rule, it works. The proof is in the pudding right here. We have a live case study example from Maggie. I want to talk about why it was a mistake. The mistake you made was hooking up with your boyfriend when he did not commit to you. This is one of the negatives of the no contact rule.
It makes things worse on your ex-boyfriend because it increases your interest in him. Yesterday, I talked about a two-pronged approach with the no contact rule in Episode Thirty days is a long time for a lot of women. In a perfect world, you would not have hooked up with him until he committed. I think we can all agree with that. Why is it a mistake? In my opinion, it lowers your value. I talked about this in the friends with benefits episode. In that episode, I talked about value.
Men are hardwired to hunt for women. Of course, we want to hunt the woman who is the highest value target. Men always want the woman who is the bigger and better deal. Maybe the way she looks does matter.
My Ex Boyfriend And I Still Hook Up (How Can I Get Him To Commit)
If he sees a woman who is a bigger and better deal than the current deal he has right now, he is going to be interested in that deal. Men are just hardwired to hunt. My game plan for you, Maggie, revolves specifically around becoming a bigger and better deal for him. You become a better deal that he cannot find anywhere else. It just so happens that being a bigger and better deal coincides with leaving him wanting more and being a higher value girl than anyone in his life right now.
Before I get into the game plan, I want to mention something that might be a little alarming with your ex-boyfriend. After the breakup, he found a new girl. They go on the rebound. The way you structured the question made it seem that the two of you hooked up with each other while he was dating this other girl. I may be completely off base.
He may have broken up with the new girl first and then hooked up with you. This is alarming to me because it means he cheated on his current girlfriend. I know you want him back, Maggie. You are laser focused on that one goal. You want him back. That thought is not going to go away. You may not be able to deal with that emotionally. The fear of that happening to you, of him finding a bigger and better deal and cheating on you, is going to remain. I would say to proceed with caution, Maggie.
Really think this through if you want him back or not. I may be completely off base here. Understand that this is a risk you potentially may face in the future if you do get him back. I wanted to throw that out there for you, Maggie. Hopefully, that will help you make your decision.
My game plan is going to be centered around becoming a bigger and better deal than anything out there. You made a mistake by hooking up with him. You lost your value and you did not leave him wanting more. You gave up the whole cake. Rather than just giving him a small slice of the cake, you gave him the whole cake. You lose your value that way. Right now, your top priority is getting your value back. In order to do that, you do need to go into the no contact rule. Let him run back to that girl. It seems like, at least at one point, you were the bigger and better deal for him.
Again, I gave you my disclaimer with my thoughts on that. So what if he runs back to that other girl? Have more confidence in yourself and your abilities to influence him. You can get him to leave that girl. You can get him to come back to you. What I will say is, if you have confidence in yourself, your chances of that happening will increase. Go right back into no contact. After the no contact rule, I want you to flirt with him the exact same way that you flirted with him before that made you hook up with him.
There will be one difference this time. You are not going to hook up with him. You are showing him the entire cake. You need to understand that this will make him mad, but it will also raise your value. At this point, when he does come back wanting more cake, friend zone him. I talked about this in the friend zone episode. I will link to that in the show notes of this episode. Then you can listen to that and understand how to friend zone a guy.
After the friend zone, I want you to lay down the law. After the friend zone, you will be enough value for him. You will be the bigger and better deal. That was Episode You leave him wanting more. He will come back for more, most likely. There is something powerful in doing that. We will never be together. I think the number one mistake women make when they try to get their exes back is that they do so from a position of weakness. What I just explained to you with this game plan is how to get him back from a position of power. I have no problem walking away from this. I am higher value.
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I am so confident in myself that I can find someone way better than you. You should be begging me to take you back. Then we will never be together. Then go into a mini no contact rule for seven days. Repeat this process over and over again.
You will always have him on your hook. He will always be left wanting more. He will always want you, Maggie. That is what you need to do. You need to accomplish this if you want him back.
This Is the Only Time It's Okay to Hook Up With an Ex
Again, I always want you to keep in mind that, if he did cheat on his new girlfriend with you, that may make you happy that you got him to cheat on his girlfriend. That is a big assumption. If you want to learn more about how you can get your ex back from a position of strength as opposed to weakness, please check out my website, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. Maggie, this will end the game plan for you and the episode.
If you have not subscribed or left a review on iTunes for this podcast, please do so. Just leave an honest one. Tell me what you think. We need those reviews to continue to thrive on iTunes. Quite frankly, we are not doing what I hoped to be doing. I need the listeners here at Ex-Boyfriend Recovery to please help this podcast so that I can continue doing it. I hope you have a good week. My ex and I have been texting and we actually had a fun date tonight. I pulled away from him before he kissed me and teased me a bit but then he pulled me in and kissed me.
However when he got home he wanted pictures from me and I sent them. What can I do about this? I want to be seen as someone of value. I did the no contact rule for a month without interruptions, improved myself, became an ungetable girl, started talking through texts, then calls, then we started going out. He was suddenly moving out of the country, so he begged to see me and we ended having sex. When he canceled his trip, I talked and asked to take things slowly with exclusivity. We have been doing for 5 weeks, the past 3 I denied having sex with him and he got really mad.
Should I just wait? I hope you stick to nc.. I went through the same thing.. And in the works of hooking up more in the couple months which he initiated. I get the feeling that he still want to work it out but afraid to commit to me.. I really need an advice.. Dont devalue yourself by continuing to do that.. If you dont want, at least stop sleeping with him.. Hi, I am in desperate need for advice.
I was dating this guy for four years. After 8 months he started reaching out to me and told me he wanted me back. I gave in, we started visiting each other LDR and acting like we were dating again. Well I cut him off for months and now he is back again. We started texting, then going on dates, and ultimately I slept with him a few times while he was in town. We are still long distance for the time being, but I do miss him in my life.
Please let me know what I should do from here.
138 thoughts on “EBR 018: I Hooked Up With My Ex… Now What?”
Hi, So we spent that weekend together and he has been coming to visit every couple weeks. How do I ask him where this is going without scaring him away? I want to either commit or move on… I fear he is having his cake and eating it too with me and although we have only been doing this for 1. It will just make you friends with benefits.. I will look at that. Do I agree to go? I just went through something similar. I have a question, though. I just completely ignored him until the 30 days passed. Or will this cause him to shut me out completely?
Hi Chris, I am in a similar situation with my ex. He asked me again to meet for a movie 2 weeks after the dating, and we slept together. I felt he was using me so I told him about it and he said he never do it again….. So, I have not done no contact at all for the past 3 months, but I started feeling like his feelings for me is disappearing as the frequency of texting from him is getting less and he has stopped to engage emotional conversations. He was very gentle as always, but he kept the line as a friend.
I noticed that he has added many girls on FB approx. We simply danced, but not partying. I said I waited for 3 months and I had enough. I refused to be friend. I was pretty upset so i also wrote good-bye. And the other choice you have is to move on.. We recently met a lot and talked a lot and even slept together once.
I really think we have compatible personalities and always have fun together even as friends. We both are 22 and have been together since We used to be friends before we were a couple and have many common friends. I moved to study abroad 2 years ago and we kept seeing each other every month or so and spent summer and Christmas holidays together. I noticed he seemed less enthusiastic about visiting me during the last year so it was mostly me visiting him.
Then he told me he liked me a lot but was not in love with me anymore. If he really finds happiness with someone else I would be happy for him and I think I could also meet someone, but I also hope we still have a chance together in the future because we really fit good together and are like best friends. Is not liking and finding someone attractive enough to fall in love? You need to create desire by having space apart. In a previous version of this article I admitted I hooked up before he committed and am now finding myself in the dreaded friend with benefits zone.
He acts like the perfect boyfriend with me, but still no commitment. I no longer know if I really am helping him to change by staying close or not. I want to be there for him, in sickness and health, like he is for me. I expected him to tell me how much he was touched, that it would make him realize what he has.
No contact for 7 days. Should I follow through the whole week or talk again tomorrow?