And once again, she had many like-minded friends and seems to have had no trouble finding people on the same page to date. But jeeze, did it sure feel weird to write a "nah, that's within the spectrum of not that odd" as someone who is like It's fine to not date whom you don't want to date. In my dating years, I wouldn't step out with anyone who had a speech impediment. Just couldn't go there. That would be egregious. But, that's not the case here. Just don't make any big, righteous statements about your standards.
That might tip you over into the "holier than thou" category, and you don't want that. Reefer is good for aching joints at the end of a long day. Err, so they tell me. It's judgmental but totally appropriate. Don't let people get you down - I'm getting a weird peer-pressure vibe from some of these responses. How is it not judgmental to come down on someone for not smoking pot? I broke it off with a guy in the casual-get-to-know you phase for a few reasons but one was because he told me he was high every time we got together.
Fine, whatever, smoke a blunt whenever, but for me and what I've been through by this point, I want to make sure that the person I'm getting to know is the genuine article and their authentic self. It's not fair otherwise, because what will you do if it works out? Anyway, he took me to task a little harshly; he called me judgmental, close-minded and prudish. I don't think I'm any of these things, it's a matter of finally! It sounds like you're probably quite a bit younger than me, so keep it up, don't wait for a string of shitty relationships to start narrowing down the problematic factors.
So have your boundaries. I don't think these are bad boundaries to have - some people only want to date other people who are 15 years younger, or make over six figures, or are over six feet tall. Someday, you may find that the pool of eligible people is dwindling and revisit your feelings about pot and drinking, or you may not need to because the pool of your peers will grow out of these things. There are totally people out there who don't drink, smoke or do drugs.
My sister married one; he's not a dick about it and doesn't seem to think less of people who do. I've got a good friend closing in on 40 who's never had a cigarette or more than probably five drinks in his life. We manage to get on well together, even though I have a different lifestyle though mind you, we aren't dating.
He doesn't judge me for smoking; I don't judge him for not smoking. You'll find them, don't back down from what you want. Or maybe that was due to the not bathing much? However, I would posit that you are being too uninformed. It's not a problem to have particular minimum standards in terms of who you find attractive, as most here seem to agree although I find myself idly pondering when that easy agreement might fall apart But what's bugging me, personally, is that you don't seem to have a very concrete understanding of the thing -- substance use -- that turns you off.
It just feels like you strongly oppose a thing, but you don't really grok what that thing is. And, I think most MeFolk would generally be uncomfortable with that. The reason that informed distinctions matter is that, yeah, you have a right to be averse to someone who uses chronically and therefore puts themselves -- and you -- at risk of injury or legal sanction, or who is therefore not capable of being in the same mental space as you are.
However, being averse to someone who consumes say, marijuana, in the same sense that you consume red wine? Well, that kind of just makes you a hypocrite. On its face, it sounds reasonable to state, "I don't date people who speed excessively," but this ignores the fact that some people drive very well at high speeds, some are reckless, and that you yourself texted that statement while driving. Does that make sense?
I'm not saying you can't have your standards, just that it's always valuable to understand -- and be able to defend -- those standards. I once briefly dated someone who was a big fan of Ayn Rand's books. This raised huge red flags for me, because I find Objectivism to be repellant. I felt okay with putting that in the potential deal-breaker category, because I've looked into why I find Objectivism to be repellent. I wouldn't have felt "right" about putting her reading choices in that category if I'd just gleaned from facebook that Objectivism was omg-scary-and-evil.
You want what you want and it's legit to enforce that boundary. I say this as someone who would be and has excluded by such a filter. However, as others have mentioned up thread, you seem somewhat naive or vague about the social realities of mind altering substance use. This will make it difficult to articulate your boundary to others in a non-confusing way.
Your discussion of boozing in particular leaves me completely unclear as to what would be OK or not in a romantic target. On review, I see that mibo has errr articulated the value of being able to articulate objections much more articulately than I have. Eh, date or don't date whoever you want, just be aware that it limits your opportunities. Probably limits them to church communities only in this day and age, really. I don't know if you're into church or wanting to bring church folk around your drug-doing friends, though. I am pretty well straight most of the time--heck, i don't even drink coffee and I drink a little booze--but I had to learn some tolerance once I got into college and a less sheltered lifestyle.
I may not have interest in smoking pot myself, but most people try it or even worse things and end up being perfectly fine--hell, I knew someone who smoked it every day for eight years, then got bored of it and quit spontaneously and had no effects.
Do stoner guys like straight edge girls?
What else does that? Just because someone tries it once in a while doesn't mean they're an addict or completely terrible at having a relationship. By all means, avoid addicts--but the occasional indulger, in my experience, has been fine and hasn't been the terrible thing I would have supposed. But again, that's up to you. Just make sure you only date in communities where that's okay, not among your friends, I suppose.
Of course it's okay not to date people whose use of substances differs from your own. AskMe may not have been the best group to ask about this, honestly. There are plenty of people who have that standard, including non-religious people. I have friends who drink. They enjoy it, they're awesome people, so whatever. But a romantic partner? It's GOOD to have standards on dating. And something that's important to you, why wouldn't you want a partner who shares your beliefs? It occurs to me that if you really insist on "no drinkers," you may wind up attracting people who won't accept YOUR limited drinking!
I think if you do drink a small amount of alcohol, you really need to sit down and figure out what your limits really are, because what you initially said you want in a partner - "no drinking" - doesn't actually reflect your own practices. And the fact that you think of having some wine sometimes as "basically not drinking" makes me think you associate "drinking" with "getting drunk.
You're not a resource that everyone deserves "fair" access to. You have no obligation to relax your standards, and you've gotten a lot of answers to that effect. I think it's worth considering where this distaste is coming from, though -- if only because being turned off by anyone who uses intoxicants on an infrequent basis is going to severely limit your options.
Just because you have the right to your standards doesn't mean that these standards always come from a healthy, non-judgmental place. I mean, you say: I just feel like the type of person to pick up a habit is probably not someone whose personality I would be attracted to What kind of personality do you think people who occasionally drink or smoke pot have?
You say that you don't think you're judgmental because you're okay when your friends do, but you also assume that people who do must be personally incompatible with you, and that you wouldn't touch them with a ten foot pole. And you view their drug use as different than yours: I can tell you right now that of all of the things that might be meaningful indicators of personality, "likes to go out for a drink" is pretty low. As someone else pointed out, the contrast between how you perceive your own drinking and how you perceive others' use of intoxicants is pretty striking.
You don't have to drink to write stories or play, but you probably find some personal enjoyment in it. From the outside, it looks like you're justifying your use of red wine. So what's going on here? The thing is, what your attracted to--and what you're not--is affected by your attitudes. You have the right to be picky. You have the right to be so picky that you never date anyone. But despite how much you insist you're not judgmental, I do think that the way you talk about this betrays that you are, in fact, judgmental of people who use intoxicants.
And yes, more than a little prudish. It really might be worth thinking about this, and attempting to see past people's use of intoxicants to who they really are.
I'm not saying to date them--I don't think you should--but to see if you can change the way you think about people. As someone who doesn't smoke, do any drugs and drinks only socially Which usually amounts to a drinks every months, I totally see where you're coming from. I wouldn't have a problem with hobby beer drinkers but weed and other drugs are definite no for me.
I don't think it makes you judgemental because dating is inherently judgemental and meant to be that way. Some people may view casual sex rather lightly and for others it may be a turn off. As for everyone who says that your judging people's morals I think an important part of dating is finding someone's who's moral values match yours. Will it limit your choices? Probably but not as much as you may think. Neither my boyfriend or I smoke, drink or do drugs and neither of us is especially religious and we're both in our 20s.
I honestly don't think you'll have as much trouble finding a partner with these traits as it some suggest. The only thing I'll suggest us that you give yourself a better chance to learn about people. Not necessarily to date them but just give them the benefit of the doubt personality wise. Lastly, birds of a feather flock together. If you want partners who don't drink and smoke alot you may want to hang out with people who don't either.
Don't ditch your currents friends but there's nothing wrong with expanding your circle. I thought it was pretty clear I am coming from the "am I being hypocritical" angle with the red wine thing. Yes I do think there is a big difference between getting a little buzzed versus being drunk or seeing hallucinations. But it's still being under influence and can someone who "sinned" a little still cast a stone at someone else?
That's where I felt like maybe I shouldn't be so focused on it. I am not Mormon. I didn't state what my boundaries were for each category of substance I don't think it matters for this question. My preference is reflexive, but I think the underlying reason is because people who go for certain stuff tend to be different from what I want in a partner.
For example, people who do drugs are often extroverted and party a lot I mean who does ecstasy or LSD alone in their room , and I am not like that nor can keep up with that. It's a real turn off, I feel like they won't have time for me and they'll think I am boring because I don't hang out in the same groups they do.
People who do pot often had worldview and hobbies I have no interest in. This is from what I've seen. It's entertaining, but not attractive. These are my friends but that's different than being in a relationship where you invest a lot of time and attention on someone. I dated people who drink and smoke, but not habitually. It wasn't something they craved or purposefully seek out to the point that it detracted from the relationship. They also didn't act funny. Tbh I haven't really thought about this until my friend introduced me to this guy.
I doubt I'll have trouble finding someone I like as some of you suggest. I decided not to pursue the guy my friend introduced. I already talked to him a bit before my friend told me he does pot. I felt like we weren't a good match anyway, but knowing that he did LSD with her did paint a picture in my head of what he's like. If we connected better I feel like I would've given him a chance. I think many zoomed in on the drinking because that is the one that is going to get the most blowback, because drinking is more common. And people will have different reasons for wanting to use different substances.
Generalizations can be useful but actual people are also generally more interesting than that. You don't have to want to date any of these people, of course. It's bizarre the way you assume that someone who drinks or does drugs automatically has all these other attributes, such as extroversion, partying etc. Why don't you just assess those traits on their own on a case by case basis? I think your assumptions aren't even especially good as generalizations.
For example, who does LSD alone in their room? After someone has tripped with a guide a few times and has a good handle on how they react, it is often very illuminating to trip on one's own.
I've known many people who trip alone in their room listening to music. I've done shrooms quite a few times on my own and generally get more out of it than I do when distracted by others. I am extreeeeeemely introverted and a total non-partyer. As several others have said, you come off as quite hypocritical for rationalizing your wine use while judging others for their particular scenarios.
You also come off as ignorant about the very things you are judging. I think it would behoove you to pry your mind open just a tad. Not suggesting you date addicts, but try getting to know some people who are light users instead of automatically demonizing them. Yes, but it doesn't matter. Shit, some people have pretty strict racial preferences for who they date.
This is just how things work. Are you probably missing out on some great people? Does it matter much if you eventually find someone great who also fits your specifications? That said, are you religious? If these are due to personal, non-religious convictions AND you would prefer not to date someone religious, you are really going to have a tough time in the dating world. This is not to influence you to change your opinion whatsoever but your rationale for drinking red wine is just as arbitrarily harmless as someone who has coffee in the morning or has a blunt every now and then to relax.
If you're aware of this and it's just your own preference, then just proceed. You have a right to be judgmental here; better than trying to change someone else's habits after you start dating them. LSD has a substantial body of literature as a treatment for addiction, specifically alcoholism.
I've done both and I don't think of them as particularly "light" drugs if you're doing them right — they're powerful psychotropics that happen to not have a lot of documented longterm deleterious effects, and you should be willing to set aside eight to 12 hours for an intense experience if you try them. It sounds like you're getting a lot of mixed messages about signifiers and what's signified. Some people will talk about drug use as a way to signify hedonic, extroverted preferences, but that doesn't mean that's caused by drug use. Similarly, the old saw about the difference between 'drinking stories,' which are fun, and 'stories about drinking,' which are dull as hell.
You sound really young and naive, and part of getting older is figuring out stuff like whether you don't like extroverts because they don't give you enough space to be introverted or because you're feeling insecure about "keeping up" and people thinking that you're boring. Drugs can be a signal, but they're not a strong signal here and it's almost always better to figure out what it is you specifically don't like e.
Chances are pretty good that you know a lot of responsible, normal people who smoke pot and just don't talk about it all the time. I've smoked pot every day for a decade, and most people are outright surprised when they learn that about me. I don't drink ever, because I find alcohol to be much more mind altering than "doing" pot ever has been. As others have said up thread, you're allowed to be judgmental about who you date, but your criteria may be based on the wrong factors. People are multifaceted, and someone who smokes pot doesn't necessarily also lack motivation, intelligence, or any other quality you may be interested in.
However, this attitude of yours will likely remove people you don't approve of anyway, because you do sound quite prudish. I mean, you're saying you drink because it's good for your heart, but other drugs besides alcohol also have health benefits. And extroversion and drug use don't really go hand in hand in the way you seem to think they do. Basically, you're entitled to your opinions and should date who you want to, but you may want to recalibrate your scale to be based on actual facts instead of "pot smokers are bad because they're extroverted drug addicts with a specific worldview" or whatever other misconceptions you may hold.
This is so normal. No, you are not a judgmental asshole. The standard of how you judge someone as a person vs. I wouldn't date someone who is a current drug user either, even just pot. Sorry, but it hasn't been my bag since college and I've moved on from that stage in my life. If someone wants to do it, more power to them -- I have absolutely no problem with it and I fully support legalization, etc.
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I would stop being so oversensitive about this -- I know people who have rejected large groups of people as mates for far dumber reasons. I think some of the commenters here are taking this too personally. The world is such a big place that I don't think there's anything terribly wrong with setting arbitrary limits on who you date, even if those limits only make sense to you.
Whether or not it makes you a hypocrite is another matter. But almost everybody is a hypocrite — calling someone a hypocrite is almost always hypocritical. And it's not like you're going around campaigning against alcohol while secretly indulging in wine, this is simply a preference in who you socialize with in a certain context. I've known a couple people who died from drug overdoses so I know I could never have any kind of intimate relationship with someone who even casually touches heroin, cocaine, pills, etc.
It's triggering for me and I just can't deal with it, and if I ever want an intimate relationship with someone I will let them know this about me. If other people want to use these drugs, I can't stop them, that's their choice. But I can set boundaries on how much intimacy I allow with people based on their behavior. If I were looking to date my personal preference would be to date someone who doesn't smoke at all , does not use any drugs pot included , and either never drinks or drinks very rarely as you describe yourself.
So yes, we do exist, though as another poster pointed out it is pretty rare in our culture. Like I said, it's a big world. If your standards make your dating pool too small, you'll eventually figure that out and either decide you're fine with being single for a while while waiting on 'the one' or you'll relax your standards.
It's not like you set up your preferences now and you're never allowed to update in the future based on new information! I do not think it is weird or hypocritical to have different standards for dating vs. I think almost everyone has some friends who they would never date in a million years, simply because they are compatible as friends but not compatible romantically.
For example, lots of my friends are women and coworkers Just want to point out that my response is from someone who doesn't drink often, and who avoids getting drunk when she does. I also do not use any other intoxicants.
Am I judgemental for not dating people who smoke/drink/do pot? - drugs | Ask MetaFilter
It's not a response that's motivated by "taking it personally"; it's just an honest assessment of what I see in the OP's question. I do think that the OP is being judgmental, and the reason I think so is that she has made some unwarranted assumptions about people who take intoxicants. She has the right to be judgmental in who she dates. But whether she has the right to be judgmental isn't the only aspect of the question.
Whether she ever changes her standards for who she dates and she shouldn't unless it's something that naturally happens , I think it's worthwhile for her to examine her attitudes about people who use intoxicants, which may be subconscious but seem to be peeking out a bit. Black and white thinking is also problematic. Nothing wrong with being judgmental, we all are, but it may be worth some self-reflection to see whether this isn't just a way to justify not getting involved with anyone at all.
Trying to justify your reasons for not wanting to date drinkers or stoners is just going to make a bunch of drinkers and stoners come out of the woodwork and tell you that not all people who do drugs are extroverts, not all drug users think sober people are boring, etc. Your reason for not wanting to date drinkers and stoners can be as simple as "I don't smoke weed or drink alcohol more than once a month, and I'm looking to date someone who is at the same level as me.
Not wanting to date partiers or habitual inebriates is perfectly reasonable. But not all people who drink or smoke are those things, you know. One of the lovely things about a nice cocktail is that it helps introverts like me feel a bit more at ease. I don't think you can handily describe people who do or don't smoke or drink or take psychedelics as introverted or extroverted based on that alone.
It absolutely doesn't follow that "For example, people who do drugs are often extroverted and party a lot I mean who does ecstasy or LSD alone in their room "- that's a judgment, and it's not even correct. However, saying "I prefer not to date people who party a lot" is not judgmental, it's just how you feel. I'm not into partiers either, I'm an introvert, and I enjoy researching and mixing cocktails and have a whole bar full of booze. You might not want to date someone who does that sort of thing, and that's fine, but ascribing behaviors to someone based on whether or not they enjoy alcohol is nonsensical.
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I'm like you in that I don't really have great success dating hugely extroverted partiers. I have also found that those that mention party drugs in the first dates tend to be those people. I use that, then, as a contributing indicator, not a black-and-white deal breaker. Same thing with people for whom music is their whole whole life - I don't do great doing those people, and certain things that describe those people a social life that primarily revolves around concerts, for instance ends up being an indicator for me.
I still wouldn't call either deal breakers, because I'm sure there are people who do either with whom I could have a great relationship, but I will notice it when evaluating a date. I don't think this makes me a bad person, but sure, it's judgmental. However, I wouldn't really pay great attention to someone who did that in the past especially in college! My current boyfriend used to smoke but quit well before I met him. It doesn't impact our relationship. Like others have said, drinking socially is pretty typical and not always indicative of seeking mind-altering substances.
Ruling out someone who goes to a weekly wine-and-Italian conversation group and is otherwise a great match for you may or may not be what you want, but it's a risk. You are absolutely allowed to date whoever wants to date you and not date whoever wants to date you for any reason, full stop. Again, to be clear, you are allowed to do that but if you're single in five years and wondering why, that could be a reason. For example, you said that you don't want to go out with people who use LSD or MDMA because they're the type to go to clubs and that's not your thing. I hate that she would do that even knowing that I hate that but I don't want to be a dick and try to change her.
I feel weird that she does weed and I don't. She's the only thing that makes me happy so should I give up being edge for love? Are you sure you want to delete this answer? You shouldn't change how you are unless you solely want to, and same for her. She's not a stoner if she smokes at a party maybe twice a month, stoners smoke almost every day man lol.
Used to be straight edge. If not, it must be a good option to take a injury out of your courting. Dude its just weed lighten up jesus. Related Questions I am having some relationship problems. Can you please give me your advice? What do I do about my relationship?
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